The Mistake

If you want the moral of the story skip to the end-ish. 

I also apologize for any grammatical errors, this was hastily written mostly on my phone.

Yesterday was, bluntly, awful. It started off with a bit of excitement, some joy, and some doubt but overall it started well for yesterday I went to lunch and a movie with an ex girlfriend. (Let’s call her “M”). M and I were together for a little over a year with our relationship ending just last year. After some time apart I thought I’d like to give it another try, so, I called her on Thursday and we set up to see a movie and have lunch on Saturday (yesterday) until my mother was informed and wanted me to bring M to my house because my mom missed her. I thought this would be alright, why wouldn’t it be? I was so wrong.

We went to lunch, that was fine and dandy until I had an impulse of emotion.. We were walking out talking about something I wasn’t really paying attention to when I felt a moment of pure lust. I grabbed her by the waist, pulled her in, and kissed her.. Hard. At the moment, it seemed right, it seemed.. Good.. In a way, I guess. We carried on our day, went to see Divergent and acting as if we were together. I felt happy but I could feel this inkling of doubt begin to slowly worm its way into my mind. We got into my car to leave the theater when she asks me what we are. This is the question I’d been dreading to hear and now my little notion of doubt has turned into a raging thunderstorm within the confines of my mind, spreading out and corrupting each part of my body rapidly forcing me into a near panic attack. I have no idea what I want with her, all I knew was that I missed her and that for right now, this day, I wanted to be with her again to at least feel something. The loneliness had become palpable and I needed a relief, was that all she was to me? Perhaps, but at that moment, I felt like I truly wanted her and so that’s what I told her. I told her that I wanted her but as soon as I said that I felt guilty, burdened.

ANYWAYS..

That cleared up a bit and we carried on our way, talking, the conversation was taking a more personal turn now which made me feel sort of uncomfortable, I was afraid to establish too much of a connection as my sureness was waning quickly. Soon the conversation turned into light bickering over past troubles from when we were together which started to turn into a bit of an argument and eventually, we were arguing over matters that had little to no relevance any longer.

-Part of the reason I went back to her was because I thought that maybe, just maybe, she had changed for the better. That she’d learnt to respect what I struggle with better and allow the relationship to go both ways rather than forcing her wants upon me and prioritizing her troubles, constantly, much farther above mine and expecting me to set aside my own each and every time hers arose. Yes, I was glad to help her, I cared for her and I wanted her to be happy but over time her problems showed to be less and less severe and eventually reached a point where I feel she was simply becoming overly-hysterical about things that really just did not require just a strong reaction; petty things. Eventually she even began trying to come in between myself and the few close friends that I have, she became jealous. After spending a week at my home she would leave and I would go to see my good friend.. Lets give him a little nickname too since I’m certain he will be brought up later on so we shall call him… “W”.  W and I hung out a pretty good amount as he lives a matter of seconds away from me by car and the both of us suffer from many of the same ailments although his, in some areas, are significantly worse which sort of fashioned him into a mediocre role model for myself. So, M’s interference with this friendship was something I was vehemently opposed to. This cause… a lot of conflict between us and eventually helped lead to my decision to cut things off.

OKAY BACK ON TRACK!..

By the time we reached my house I was shaking with anger. I was insulted and I realized just how much I regretted bringing her here, to my house.

-I’ve just realized that this story is taking a very long time and, come to think of it, I probably could have summarized this a significant amount. Shall I simply skip the rest of the boring details? Alright.

We arrived at my house, I went to my room to put my things away, she followed, we talked more, then.. What I regret the most… We had sex. It was awkward sex, though. It felt.. Wrong yet surreal. I felt as if I was reliving a memory rather than actually experiencing it. Perhaps that’s all I was trying to do.. Anyways, that happened and after that the rest of the night was very awkward. She was only supposed to be there for a little bit but the weather took a turn for the worse and the roads became impassable due to the snowfall and so, to my absolute pleasure.. She spent the night. That was the worst night of my life, I have never been more uncomfortable in my own home for I didn’t want her there. I didn’t want her at my home any longer, I shouldn’t have brought her there, and I needed her out of my house.

We slept very separated on my bed with our backs to one another. I drove her home this afternoon after I got off of work (which I arrived four hours late to because I did not know I even had to work and then through all of work all I could think about was how I needed to get M out of my house) and the ride was so uncomfortable that I do not even contain the vocabulary to convey such a sensation. It was horrific, to put it mildly. We arrive at her house, I drop her off, she hugs me, it’s very awkward, and then she sort of sullenly makes her way into her house. I still feel guilty but I know it’s the right choice, I couldn’t string her on, I couldn’t do it again because the feelings are gone, I know that now.

THE MORAL! FINALLY!

This all started with an impulsive phone call on the same day this girl I was seeing and I parted ways, we weren’t official, but I do actually miss her a good amount but I know that we wouldn’t work together. She is very outgoing and sociable and I am, well, an introvert. But, hey! I’m a high functioning one so fuck off, for whatever that’s worth. Maybe that’s just a way to rationalize myself, make me feel less guilty for enabling my own loneliness. I don’t know. But when I called M I felt a need for her, I felt a void within me that had to be filled and I thought that she could fill it. I was wrong. I realize now that I don’t miss her, that I didn’t miss her, I only miss the memories I made while I was with her and now, looking back at all of my past relationships I’m starting to realize that’s all it has ever been. All of my remorse over ex-lovers and all of my longing for each of them is not actually for them. It’s for the memories that I made while I was with them. Each significant relationship in my life has either procured lifelong memories or simply been a part of them. I long to relive the memories that make me happiest and I’ve had it all wrong, my whole short life thus far I’ve had it all wrong! I don’t miss them, I’ve just been tying those experiences to the people who were important to me most at that time! In all honesty, this revelation feels fantastic. I mean, it’s merely a temporary and minor distraction from the nihilistic and miserable mindset I’ve developed but it’s something, isn’t it? It’s another piece of me I’ve found, I’ve learned about, and I’ve finally put into a missing space. I’ve found another bit of myself. I feel somewhat guilty for getting M’s hopes up like that but I wasn’t intentional in my incursion. I thought, I truly thought, that I wanted to try with her again. I suppose it’s actually better that I did this, it gave me closure, uncovered a piece of myself, and in turn I’ve found just that much more hope in myself. So, the question is, was this self betterment worth the minor suffering of another? For this, I have no answer. Food for thought I suppose.

I sense my writing is more upbeat in this installment and that’s because I’m feeling a bit more upbeat. I also realize now that the moral wasn’t very direct, well, I have no remedy for that. Decipher it, find your own meaning in my words, however selfish they may sound echoed throughout your mind, they carry with them a weight that I cannot put into words. Syntax fails me when my thoughts are involved.

Best of days

-Righ

A Brief Introduction

Well, it appears to be the dawn of a new era in my existence; I’ve started a blog. Now, I’ve had Tumblr blogs, still do, but they don’t quite give the satisfaction of blogging and I feel it’s rather different from the more common blogging style. I’ve always been curious about making a legitimate blog but I’ve never gotten around to doing so until now. So here I am, learning to make my way in the blogging community. My about page should probably contain this but since this blog will be dedicated to myself I’d rather not give all the juicy details all at once! To start things off I’ve been struggling heavily with introversion. I say struggling because although I do much prefer to be alone it does not offer the distractions necessary for me to live a healthy mental lifestyle. Accompanying my introversion I struggle with severe melancholic depression as well as panic disorder which brings bouts of highly irrational anxiety that persist long past their expiration. With a conglomeration of these feelings I’ve become significantly overwhelmed inside of my mind and I’m starting to feel truly and utterly alone.

The loneliness itself is palpable, it’s forcing me to reach out to people that I don’t want to reach out to. It’s adding onto my depression and my anxiety because it’s requiring me to involve myself in social interactions with other, living, human beings in a proximity that I’d rather not entertain. But, I don’t know how else to combat it. I have a dog, I live at home, I’ve just stopped seeing this girl I thought I really liked but now that we’ve stopped seeing each other I feel as if I never truly wanted to be with her. That’s another symptom of my loneliness, I keep seeking out romantic involvement as opposed to a larger social life because I know for a fact that a larger social is something I’m not capable of but a romantic relationship? I can do that. It’s simply one person with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings with but unfortunately that’s all it ever has really been to me. I’m not entirely sure if I’ve ever actually been in love, I’m not sure if I’m even capable of love. In retrospect, I’ve come to deduce that rather than actually having genuine emotions for another person, I simply use them to fill the void; to satiate this inner need for accompaniment in my life. Rather than seeking out more friends, I actually withdraw further inward and lose contact with many of them as I seek out a romantic partner that I can depend upon. Unfortunately, this leads to a history of emotional turmoil and disappointment for I can never truly feel attached to someone in my life. Whenever a relationship has ended I cared not that they were no longer my significant other; I instead mourned the idea that: I am once again alone. A pattern emerges from this need, a pattern of “relationship hopping”, meaning, as soon as a relationship of mine ends I immediately begin to seek out a new one. The need for a dependent relationship is overwhelming me to the point where guilt has become a factor in my life that lords over nearly all of my emotions. This need is never fulfilled, never met, and no matter how hard I try it is never contained. In my mind, the idea of being an extrovert sounds fantastic; it seems like an escape of sorts from this constant need for dependency but it is merely an illusion I’ve created. Being extroverted would not help me, it’s not even a possibility that I could even entertain. I am an introvert and, unfortunately, I no longer want to feel so alone.

Best of days

-Righ