Poison Oak

I need a friend.

I need her to love me.

I need to not feel this way any longer because I cannot continue on. I miss something that does not exist.

I am taking this on alone and I cannot do it alone. I just can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I fucking can’t.

I don’t even remember what’s wrong. Who is haunting me still? What is haunting me still? Why do I still feel this way? I can’t fucking take it any longer. I’m giving in to emotion, I’m giving in to depression, I’m giving in to fear, I’m giving in because I can’t do this anymore. I am alone. I have made myself alone. I have tried so hard to do this alone and I give up. I can’t do it any longer and it’s too late. I am alone and I cannot change it. No one will care enough, no one will believe that anyone could possibly have fallen so far.

Fuck.

Reckoning

I can feel it tonight. The feelings of hopefulness and moderate happiness are fading rapidly. They are being consumed and replaced by hopelessness and doubt. The stress of C returning to College after so long will destroy us. Whether we rebuild from the rubble or simply let it burn will be decided in these coming weeks. With each passing day I have felt the fear slowly making its ascent up my spine, creeping into the crevices and nooks, slowly seething its way into the fabric of my being. I am once again being devoured by the all encompassing darkness. I can feel my being drain from my body, I am becoming a husk once again. I am incapable of creating my own happiness and so I rely on C to supply it. Unfortunately, she relies on me as well. Perhaps she’ll meet a charming young lad and forget her woes and me, perhaps she will meet him and he will make her happy.

I am worthless.

I want her to love me. I confide in her, I tell her how much I care about her, and she tells me she cares about me and that she likes being with me. But I know that, I know that she cares about me. I don’t want her to care about me, I don’t want her to like being with me, I want her to love me. I want to feel safe, secure, stable. I need her to love me so that I can love myself.

I am worthless.

I am worthless because I am incapable of loving myself.

I am worthless because I am an emotional parasite.

I am worthless because my actions are selfish.

I am worthless because I cannot trust my own feelings.

I am worthless because I’m not totally certain I have feelings.

One day, I will wither away and I will be nothing but dust and a forgotten name. Before that day comes, I want to love myself. Accept myself. I want to feel love, in all of its supposed glory. I do not allow others into my life because I’m tired of losing them and yet, I am certain I will lose many more.

C is afraid that we will end up how her last relationship ended. I am afraid that we will end how most of my relationships have ended. She is afraid that I will follow the same path her ex did. I am afraid I will follow the same path that I always follow.

I do not betray those that love me because I do not care about them. I betray them because I do not care about myself. I do not deserve their love, and so I reject it; I rebel against it. It is easier to be alone, than to be in love.

I want to let C into my mind. I have tried, but I always hold back. For if she knew the depths of my mind, she would flee from me almost immediately. No matter how strongly I intend to express my inner most mind, I always hold back. I cannot allow myself to be so vulnerable. Mystery, is my greatest defense. It allows me to recover easier. I’ve come to accept that all things are fleeting and so I do not expect C and I to last through College.

I kissed and hugged her tonight as if I would never see her again, I am preparing. I know that when it does happen I will be shattered, but not so much as if I hadn’t prepared at all. I will continue to give her all I can, but I will always be expecting the end. That is why I will never find someone to spend my life with. I am incapable of it. My fear commands me, it condemns myself and all those around me. I want to rise up and overcome it, I want to say “we can make it” but I can’t. I simply cannot. I know we won’t. I want her to prove me wrong. I need her to prove me wrong. A significant portion of my issues stem from the fact that I am too dependent on others for my survival.

I love C. But do I truly love her? Is it possibly to love, truly and wholly, without first loving yourself?

I want to scream that I love her at the top of my lungs some days. I have to hold myself back from saying it, in fact I’ve caught myself opening my mouth to say them to her. But, other days, I seriously contemplate whether I do or not. I now realize that the doubt does not persist long. She quells it rather quickly. Perhaps there’s more hope in my situation than I am allowing myself to believe as this past week she has become more romantic towards me and is showing a significant increase in her fondness of me. She told me I was adorable. She has never said that to me before, in fact, on one occasion she refused to say it. She looked me directly in the eye and told me that I was adorable. She rarely, if ever, does that. We shared the most romantic evening we’ve ever had together this past week. Tonight, she told me that as things are right now, she could see us together in a few years and that she likes the idea of living together. Perhaps I am over-analyzing all of this in a negative light when in truth, I’m in a better position than before.

If my assumptions are correct (which I have significant evidence supporting them and they have been somewhat confirmed by her) then many, if not all, of her cautiousness with our relationship stems directly from her past relationship. Her fears about us and her wariness towards us are the result of the way her last relationship went. She’s scared and because she is scared she is withholding herself from me and allowing small bits and pieces to slowly trickle down. It will take continued patience, and time, but I may in the end win her over entirely. As I said before, she seems to be opening up to me much more as of late.

I ask her from time to time if I make her happy and she generally replies “yes” with a squeeze of my hand, a smile, and maybe a kiss. But, about two weeks ago (maybe less), she opened up almost entirely to me and confided in me the reason she feels unable to take our relationship further. She feels that she requires her ex’s forgiveness. She blames herself for their breakup and it’s destroying her on the inside. She is convinced that she ruined him. She also told me that while I do make her happy, there’s still a numbness behind it. This of course somewhat crushed me but we talked for a few hours, we cried, and in the end she thanked me for allowing her to open up and for being so understanding and patient with her. Afterwards we cuddled for a little while and then I went home. The next day when she arrived at my house, she bounded up my stairs and before even a “hello” she ran into my arms and gave me the sweetest kiss with a gorgeous smile on her face. Later that night, she looked into my eyes and told me that I truly make her happy. I believe that night is when she began to trust me, I believe that night is when all of my patience and waiting paid off.

It can end one of two ways, really, she can either fall in love with me, or we will end and she will move on and she will fall in love with someone else and I will be drained. I’ve never invested so much into someone.

I just want her to hold me and kiss me and to tell me it’ll all be alright and that she loves me. I want to fall asleep next her, our bodies entwined, I want to wake up next to her and gaze into her dark and delicate eyes. I want to trace the outlines of her body and make her tea and breakfast and give her back rubs and read with her and watch tv shows with her and play video games with her and go on bike rides and car rides with her. I want to discuss science with her and go on trips to foreign places and eat new foods with her. I want to love her. I want to make my home inside of her, and I want to be her’s as well. I want her, I want all of her, and I want to give her all of me. I want to become boring with her. I just want to love her.

I just want to love someone.

I pity myself to such extents and yet I am completely aware that it is entirely my own fault. I drive those I care about away, I let them fade. I let myself fade. I am a ghost, a phantom, a shadow. It is I who fades away, not them. It is I who abandons them. I either keep them too distant from me, I bring them in too close. It’s a very lonely way to live, never being able to fully show who I am. I wear a mask wherever I go.

I believe that I want to live, I just don’t know it yet.

I want to look back on my life and feel.. Accomplished. I want children, I want grandchildren. I do not wish to curse death, I want to greet him as an old friend. I want to be ready when it is my time to go. I do not want to fear death and I want to embrace living. But instead I fear both. I am incapable of overcoming this alone. I have tried and I have not succeeded. I need help, desperately so.

I just want to cry, tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I don’t understand why every semester brings on these insane bouts of anxiety and such a strengthening in my depression. I do not fear the workload, and I do not fear failing because I know I am capable of succeeding. What is it that worries me so? What is it that digs at the very core of my being so excruciatingly so? I need to read, I need to absorb myself into a novel. I must lose myself and this world. Perhaps I am done writing tonight. I understand this post was quite the rambling piece of work. I apologize for the chaos.

Best of days

Righ

P.S. In my about section I have listed the email for this blog, if anyone would like to suggest some novels for me to read I would very much appreciate it. Thank you.

Malevolence

As if all at once, it comes rushing back to me. As if a levy has broken and the current is left to its own devices. I feel shallow and guilt ridden as the malevolent ghosts come back to haunt me. I am not worthy of those who call themselves my friends, I am not worthy of the women who have loved me, and I am not worthy of C. I have effectively manipulated, hurt, and betrayed everyone who has ever loved me. I have no capacity for it. I am a romanticist and so I enjoy playing upon the notion of love and making myself believe that I feel it. But do I really? Have I ever? Will I ever? I don’t know, honestly. There are times where I am so sure that I am in love that the idea that I have ever thought otherwise is absolutely absurd. But, then, once I come down from that, I feel panicked and afraid because I have just invested my emotions into this woman and now I’m not sure if I actually feel that way. Do I even have the capacity to experience true emotions outside of apathy? A majority of the time, I believe I do not. I feel guilt for my actions because I know that the people I hurt care for me deeply, even though I do not particularly care as much for them. I fear the only reason I maintain any sort of relationship with anyone is so that I do not end up alone, not because I truly care to be there friend as I only keep the minimum amount of contact required to maintain the “friendship.” Does this stem out of an inability to care for others? Or does it stem from my misanthropic personality that is a result of some event that occurred to me at a younger age? Perhaps my father is truly at the root of my issues, as my therapist said. ‘Tis all speculation at this point, perhaps I will never know.. No.. I’m not okay with that. I have to know. If there exists a mystery, then there also exists a solution.

I need this semester to start. I need a distraction from myself. Although, judging how these past two have gone, I doubt it will provide much of one. In fact, it is very likely to simply worsen my current condition. I still yearn for it, nevertheless. The intellectual challenges that are attached to it, the learning, and simply the activity. Of course, having doubled up on my English classes last semester, I have taken nearly all of them and so I will not be in one this semester which saddens me deeply. I very much love Science. But in those English classes I was allowed to explore my psyche, I was allowed to explore the darkened areas of my mind and report on my quest of self-realization to a professor that praised my work, supported it, and inspired it. Without that outlet, I believe I will be turning, with much more regularity, to this outlet. So, after this next week, expect more and more updates from me, hopefully.

I am tired, and it is nearly six in the morning but I find myself very anxious and restless. I feel this doubt, hanging over my head like a burdened shadow. Whenever I gaze long into my past, a certain nostalgia washes over me and I cannot shake it. I am so terrified of what lies ahead for me that I cling to my past as tightly as I may. I remember in an earlier post I stated that I no longer am a ghost, lingering in my past, and at that time I was not, but now I am returning. I have committed so many wrongs and I feel as if I have missed so much of my life, I have to go back, I have to be the person I’ve always wished I could be, and I have to do it all right this time.

L, I am so sorry.

J, I am so sorry.

W, I am so sorry.

P, I am so sorry.

H, we met during my first semester. We were the top two students in our English class and I walked you to your car every day. I miss you quite a bit, I truly enjoyed our (short) discussions on life, Science, and our futures. I hope wherever you are you’re happy and well. You are a wonderful girl and to be honest, I had quite the crush on you and when you asked me to lunch I did experience “butterflies.” It’s in the past now, although I do regret not taking it any further. You are a very fascinating person and even if we had never been together I wish we had stayed in contact as I believe our friendship would be wonderful despite our opposing viewpoints on some matters. Perhaps I’ll look you up, eh? Or is that simply creepy? Oh, well, I suppose.

The sun has risen, and I am melancholic yet drained entirely. I must stop writing here.

Best of days

-Righ

In A Dark Time

I’ve been sitting here for awhile writing and rewriting different posts and nothing has felt quite right and so I’ve decided to sum it all up and post my favorite poem that I may or may not have posted in the past but as of right now, my mind is exhausted and over-cluttered and I cannot coherently and artistically convey what is on it to you, the reader. And so, I present “In A Dark Time” By Theodore Roethke:

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,

I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;

I hear my echo in the echoing wood—

A lord of nature weeping to a tree.

I live between the heron and the wren,

Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

 

What’s madness but nobility of soul

At odds with circumstance? The day’s on fire!

I know the purity of pure despair,

My shadow pinned against a sweating wall.

That place among the rocks—is it a cave,

Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

 

A steady storm of correspondences!

A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,

And in broad day the midnight come again!

A man goes far to find out what he is—

Death of the self in a long, tearless night,

All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

 

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.

My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,

Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?

A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.

The mind enters itself, and God the mind,

And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

Best of days,

Righ

 

P.s. Should anyone be seeking a discussion on life, or any other topic, I am absolutely happy to oblige you as I have been craving deep and philosophical conversation with someone, it’s been such a long time since I’ve engaged in such. I greatly miss it. Reach me here: eliasrigh@gmail.com. Please, and thank you.

Home is where you find peace

Recently, I saw a little phrase on the internet, it read: “Home is where you find peace.”

If this is true, then I do not have a home. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a home and maybe, I never will. I am, for the most part, happy with C. But to be at peace with yourself requires so much more than a good relationship and someone to love. You need to love yourself, you need to believe in yourself, and above all, you must not fear what lies ahead of you. You must not fear life, because if you do, you will always remain in the shadows. I know how large life can be, how much can be accomplished in the short time we exist, the memories we can make, the people we touch, the lives we change, and the futures we alter. But I cannot overcome the frailty and mortality of it all. Eventually, we will all be forgotten. After two or three generations, we will cease to exist. If you’re lucky enough to be written into the history books, then fine. But how rare is that? The scope of it, billions of people, as if they’ve never existed. Their memories, their lives, forgotten.

I do not fear death, I fear never living. I fear fading away, into some corner of the past, as just another face, another name, another corpse.

The burden of humanity, I suppose, is having the knowledge that one day, at any particular moment in time, you will cease to exist.

Best of days,

Righ Elias

“There is accumulation. There is responsibility. And beyond these, there is unrest. There is great unrest.”- The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes