Lost

A fake, spam, account messaged me on my Xbox while… T? I think I referred to her as that before.. My current girlfriend.. T was using hulu on my console. The message read “Hey are you around?” This resulted in her becoming highly anxious and spending two hours (3:30am-5:30am) interrogating me over the message as well as accusing me of essentially cheating on her. After two hours I finally convinced her of the truth, while she was on her way to work, that I had no clue who this person was and that it was likely a spam account.

It is now a little past 6am and I am so drunk that my entire body is numb. I am fighting off panicking over that sensation by writing this.

After T left for work, I began heavily drinking to cope with the severe stress and anxiety of the situation. An unhealthy practice, I know.

Ah, fuck it.

Here it goes.

I hate every fucking minute of my life. I can’t stand my relationship. T treats me as if I were property. She controls and monitors every aspect of my life. She encourages me spending time with my friends yet she took all of my friends away except a select few who I am unable to see with any frequency. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to be.

I am so unhappy. I am so fucking unhappy. I wish I could leave her. I am not in love with her. I think I do love her, but not romantically.  She is important, she always has been since we started talking, but I cannot be with her and I don’t want to be. But I can’t leave. I can’t allow myself to.

What the fuck is wrong with me??

Why the fuck can’t I let this go??

Why can’t I let her go??

Is it the guilt I feel for leaving her after she moved to a different state to be with me?

But should I even feel that guilt?

She tries to leave me almost every day.

I want to let her.

I want to let her go so fucking badly.

But I can’t.

I cling to her so fucking tightly.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I’m a selfish piece of shit.

Fuck me.

I am a useless, piece of fucking shit, asshole, who only cares about himself, his own needs, his own ambitions, and his own feelings.

I don’t know who I am.

I don’t know who I want to be.

I hate being an adult.

I hate being alive.

I hate taking responsibility for my life and my future.

I want to return to being a teenager.

I wish I could turn back the clock.

I am so fucking terrified of the future and I have no one to help me through it. I have no one to lean on.

I don’t trust myself.

I don’t like myself.

I don’t know who I am.

I need help.

I need guidance.

I need friendship.

I need camaraderie.

I need fucking someone.

Anyone.

I need help to decipher the meaning of my life or fuck, just the path of my life.

I just need someone.

I need a friend.

I need to get out of this.

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

I AM TRAPPED

I AM STUCK

I CANNOT LEAVE

I CANNOT FIND THE COURAGE TO BE WHO I WANT TO BE

WHO DO I EVEN WANT TO BE?

I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN’T HANDLE THIS

I CAN’T HANDLE BEING ALIVE

I CAN’T HANDLE THE CONSTANT WONDERING OF WHO I WANT TO BE OR WHERE

I look back on the past with this nostalgic longing.

I miss M.

I miss C.

I miss C so much.

I never cry.

Why am I crying.

Why is any of this happening.

Why am I so fucking distraught.

Why am I such a fucking mess.

I’m sure T has called and texted multiple times by now.

Therapy isn’t helping.

I just need to sleep.

I’ll fell better when I’m sober.

I’m sorry.

I just need to sleep.

 

Best of Days,

-Elias

Hidden Discomfort

Nothing feels comfortable anymore.

Everything feels foreign and odd to me.

It’s all suddenly hitting me, how fucking wrong all of this feels.

I need a way out and fast.

I hope that therapy in the morning goes well and that I remember these thoughts when the time comes.

I hold back in my sessions. I hide things still and lie a little to soften the severity of certain things. I think, now, that it is because I’m too afraid to admit, out loud, out awful everything really is. I’m too afraid that it’ll suddenly make it all tangible and will knock me from this “comfortable” state and force me to actually take action.

I’m hiding from life.

Best of Days,

-Elias

Spurred Thoughts

I know why I’m still not over C.

It sounds so simple, I’ve repeared it so many tines yet never actually had it hit me like this. 

I loved her.

Truly, genuinely, completely.

I know I’ve repeated that over and over yet here I am, looking at old pictures and a rather scandalous video we made.. I heard her laugh again and saw her smile and it just came back to me suddenly. 

She was quite literally everything I want in a woman. Sure, she had her flaws, but we all do. I loved her because she accepted those flaws and did not try to hide them from me. As distant as she was from me, she was still entirely open. It wasn’t the best relationship and I felt lonely very often. But I loved her regardless and I do still. Not because I never really earned her true love, but because I saw in her all that I wanted.

It hurts to let “the one” get away, but it is incomparable to the pain caused when they do not even reciprocate that love. 

I’m not sure on how to recover from her. I suppose that is something for therapy. 

I’m not sure. 

Best of Days,

-Elias

Update

Nobody reads this anymore and that’s fine. I’ve been inactive for awhile with sporadic posts so it is understandable. Yet, I return once more to write.

I so desperately wish to return to New York City. I met a wonderful girl there, someone I have known for years but never met in person until I went to Comic Con. It was the happiest weekend of my life thus far. I believe I’ve expressed this sentiment previously, but I feel I must again. Whenever I think of her or see her picture I remember that weekend, particularly the night we slept together. I remember the scent of her hair, her room, her sheets, the city.. The walk on that warm night across the bridge. How I wish I could return. I fell in love. Not with her, but with the city. That isn’t to say I don’t love her, I do, just not romantically. But I yearn so deeply to return there. I hope to, one day. I really, really do. I guess I miss a lot of the experiences I had last year. I took them for granted at the time but given how miserable I am currently and have been, I can see how great it really was for me.

…

I stepped away and wrote a friend instead.

I don’t want to finish what I was saying.

I am so fucking miserable.

I’m starting therapy Saturday.

I hope it helps.

It needs to help.

Please..

 

Best of days,

-Elias

Will

I will continue my Jiu Jitsu training.

I will continue my Muay Thai training.

I will make this relationship work.

I will learn to love myself.

I will push my limits.

I will become a better person.

I will challenge my fears.

I will push my boundaries.

I will become more than who I am.

It is time I stopped living in the past.

I am so scared but I am so excited.

I’m ready for tomorrow to come.

I’m ready to challenge myself.

I will create the life I envision.

I will be the man my father was not.

I will be the man that will make me proud.

I am not my mental illness.

I am I.

I will live my life according to what I desire.

I will pursue my passions.

I will achieve my goals.

I am SO FUCKING TIRED of this stagnancy.

I am so fucking tired of who I am.

I am so fucking tired of my laziness.

I am so fucking tired of my indifference.

I will push myself.

I will study.

I will train.

I will love.

I will fucking fight.

Someone

I found someone new.

Someone who respects me and cherishes me.

Someone who loves me for who I am and understands what I struggle with.

Someone who accepts me.

Someone who doesn’t need me to help them recover.

Someone who doesn’t expect anything of me.

Someone who cares about my needs.

Someone who supports me.

So why the FUCK am I still stuck on you.

Why do I still drink in your name.

Why do I still waste time thinking about you.

Why do I still cry over you, in the latest hours of the night, alone, over a drink.

Why do I still ruminate over our time.

Why do I still envision you sitting on my couch, doing homework or playing games.

Why do I still fall asleep picturing you next to me.

I thought I’d shaken you enough.

I thought I’d rid my bones of you, that you were only epidermal.

I was wrong.

You’re inside of me.

Part of me.

You’re everything I want and everything I don’t need.

You’re awful.

You treated me as if I was disposable.

I was selfish.

We wouldn’t have lasted.

But fuck, I loved you.

I just didn’t express is properly, I guess.

Now I spend nights awake and drunk.

Watching your shadow dance along the wall in the dark.

Hearing your laugh echo faintly in the floorboards.

Feeling your warmth against mine as I curl under my sheets.

I miss my head when I was with you.

I miss being delusional.

I fucking miss you.

Best of days,

-Elias

As The Poems Go

as the poems go into the thousands you
realize that you’ve created very
little.
it comes down to the rain, the sunlight,
the traffic, the nights and the days of the
years, the faces.
leaving this will be easier than living
it, typing one more line now as
a man plays a piano through the radio,
the best writers have said very
little
and the worst,
far too much.

– As The Poems Go by Charles Bukowski

Untitled

I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning.

I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ll be okay tomorrow.

I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week. I’ll be okay in another week.

I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month. I’ll be okay in a month.

I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year. I’ll be okay in a year.

I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you. I’ll be okay without you.

You aren’t the source of my happiness. You aren’t the source of my happiness. You aren’t the source of my happiness. You aren’t the source of my happiness. You aren’t the source of my happiness. You aren’t the source of my happiness.

I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how to be happy.  I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how to be happy.

I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help. I’ll be okay when I get help.

No.

I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning. I’ll be okay in the morning.

I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help. I don’t need help.

I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone. I can do this alone.

It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live. It would be so much easier to leave than to live.

I can’t do this.

I can’t do this.

I can’t do this.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help.

No.

Shut the fuck up.

You can do this alone.

You don’t need help.

Just let yourself go.

It would be so simple, so easy.

It would be over so quickly, in an instant.

You’re not insane, you’re just a fuck up.

You’re just an idiot.

You’re just a failure.

You lose everyone you care about.

You push them away.

You self destruct.

End it.

Leave.

Be done with this.

You’re not going anywhere.

You’re not going to achieve anything.

You’ll never find someone you actually want to be with.

You’ll never find happiness.

You’ll never achieve your goals.

You’ll fail.

You’ll forever be mediocre.

Leave, it’s the easiest way out.

It would be so quick.

It could be painless.

It would be over before you could realize it.

End your pathetic fucking life, you piece of fucking shit.

You worthless fuck.

End. It.

Obligatory Birthday Post

I keep turning my caps lock on. I’m not sure how. That isn’t a metaphor for something, just an annoyance.

Anyways, it’s been a little while. I don’t have that much time to write, this is sort of a spur of the moment post.

At the time of writing this sentence (1:52 AM) I have turned 21 as of one hour and 52 minutes ago.

 

Now, before I go any further, yes. This post is.. Oddly sarcastic. I mean, a picture? I never do that. I’m cuttin’ lose, ya know?

Okay, not really, I’m just trying to let my casual personality become more prominent in my writing so that it is a bit more relaxed, I guess. I don’t know. I’m not even drunk, weird, right?

On to the actual discussion:

So, I always get somewhat anxious on my birthday. While I tend to avoid social contact and don’t really take birthdays seriously, I honestly kind of like the attention of people telling me happy birthday. Believe it or not, beneath my rough exterior, I think there is someone who wants to be cared for, maybe with a lot of space, but nonetheless cared for. I’ve been very, very lonely this weekend. I’ve tried to satiate it but talking over the internet/text doesn’t cut it. I wish I didn’t live so far from my friends. They’ve all moved to the city and here I am, still in the middle of fucking nowhere.

I’ve made a really great friend in this girl who I will call… Hm.. T. I don’t have a T yet, right? I don’t think so.. Regardless, T and I get along famously. We have an antagonistic relationship, but it is all in good faith. We had a short sexual fling, but she lives a number of hours from me so it did not last all that long and wasn’t very serious. However, from that we have become really great friends and I’m glad to have a new best friend. M and I have barely talked since our blowout and I’m relieved. I don’t feel up to complaining about her any longer, so I’ll leave it at that.

C and her new boyfriend have almost made it as long as she and I had, ha. Part of me is glad that she is (presumably) happy. While another part is (clearly) unhappy. I’ve beaten this thing to death but I’d like to use her as a jumping off point to bring up something else on my mind. She had a very niche personality and looking back at my history, I tend to gravitate those types of people. While I prefer this, I find it to be pretty lonely. Now, for a time, I wasn’t really single for a few years. But that was the result of a long term relationship, then a shorter one, then into a long term again which was all just good luck on my part. But over the course of those I’ve lost contact with plenty of people, especially while I was with C. So, now, being single, I have sort of run out of people to go to. I need to, for the first time in a very long time, forge new relationships. Yes, I’ve made friends with new people during my time spent in these relationships, including with C. But I didn’t have to, I wasn’t looking to, it just happened and it happened organically, with very few people. Now I am alone and am actively searching for new relationships, sort of. By actively I mean hoping for, in reality I’m not doing a whole lot to nourish any new acquaintanceship into a friendship. There is one friend I made while with C whom I miss quite a lot. She was awesome and we got along so well and had some of the best conversations of my life with. But, she has a lot of psychological issues so she has since withdrawn from me. I was aware of this behavior, as she and I had talked about it, but it is very unfortunate that it eventually showed itself to me. I hope she returns eventually for I am waiting with open arms, she is very unique.

I’m starting to wander, I feel, with what I am writing. Though I suppose it doesn’t matter much since this is my space to express whatever it is I wish in any manner I wish. Even if none are here to read this anymore, it is still somewhat comforting to know that someone else can read this and process it. Writing a private journal, in my opinion, is not helpful. I greatly prefer this to a private journal. I enjoy the possibility of discussion with others and by remaining anonymous, I can feel much more comfortable divulging things I would not divulge to others.

Oh, right, I’d very much like to touch on the source of 90% of my stress and anxiety: school. Currently, I am not performing very well. I am failing Calculus and am on the cusp of failing my CSE class. I’ve come to find that I am awful at coding in Java. Just the worst. However, I suppose it isn’t entirely my fault. A lot of what we are expected to do for our labs hasn’t actually been covered in class. Particularly handling swing and different layouts in general. We have code from past labs that our professor wrote that we can sort of mimic, but it doesn’t help as much as he seems to believe. I don’t know, I’m of the belief that I’m just awful at it and that is why I’m struggling. I’m surprisingly doing alright in my Physics course, I thought I’d be failing, but I have a decent grade. I don’t know how, ha. As for Calculus, I know I could be passing just fine but I have failed to apply myself properly. Which, come to think of it, is normally the issue with my classes. This semester has been rough on me. I’ve lacked so much motivation to do anything. I’ve been skipping out on the gym, on school, and friends. I’ve been spending my time at home doing.. Nothing, really. For instance, most of this weekend was spent staring at my computer screen, not actually doing anything, just trying to think of what I want to do and wallowing in apathy and self pity over how lonely and miserable I am. I hate to admit it, but I still believe I need to actually get treatment. I’m hesitant though as it costs money, takes time, requires appointments, and I’m honestly kind of scared. I’m afraid of what it’ll do to my identity and how it will make me feel. I guess it’s still better than drinking every night, which I’ve been doing. I don’t know. I need someone to smack me and make me fucking do it. But no one really knows what I’m going through since I quite literally never talk about the severity of where I am. Oh well.

I’m just tired of being on my own. I want someone to wear over-sized sweaters with during Winter while we curl up in bed and watch Studio Ghibli movies all day and eat food that makes us nostalgic. I just want to find someone that I can love in a healthy way and who loves me in a healthy way. But so does everyone else, huh? Yeah.

Oh well. I’ll continue to laugh and make jokes about my depression, encroaching alcoholism, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness in unsuccessful attempts to make them seem less severe. My old therapist always told me how good it was that I am so aware of myself but would always bring up how that does not equal action in terms of self help. Being aware of my emotional status doesn’t make me feel better, it doesn’t make it easier. If anything it makes me dislike myself even more.

I’m tired.

Best of days,

-Elias

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Elias.. Happy birthday to you.”

Heh.

 

For Jane

 

“225 days under grass
and you know more than I.
they have long taken your blood,
you are a dry stick in a basket.
is this how it works?
in this room
the hours of love
still make shadows.

when you left
you took almost
everything.
I kneel in the nights
before tigers
that will not let me be.

what you were
will not happen again.
the tigers have found me
and I do not care.” ~ For Jane by Charles Bukowksi