Why must it be so difficult to find a female that is compatible with me? Why is society so engulfed by these needless, wasteful, and stupefying activities? Rather than gaining knowledge and wisdom and enjoying the beauty of the world, people now prefer to go into dark, loud, clubs and grind on one another. Perhaps it’s indulgence in more primal urges but to me it is simply barbaric and a waste of time. I need to find a girl who enjoys just sitting quietly and reading and with whom I can enjoy the knowledgeable and simple aspects of life in a dignified yet silly manner. But the most daunting aspect of finding someone for myself is that they must be able to understand what it is that ails me. I’m not easy to be in a relationship with because I am a slave to my emotions and the primary emotion is generally depression and that alone branches out into others such as anger and it amplifies my anxiety along with the relationship itself. I perceive these false notions that I create in my mind and I begin to believe them which forces me into a panic attack which leads to anger which begins to build into sorrow and I begin to feel dejected. I also need a dependable person for I don’t have many friends and so when I am in a relationship I seek that person to be my main time occupier. This creates problems because then the girl generally begins to feel a bit “suffocated” by me and I come off as “clingy” when in actuality, I just don’t really have anyone else I’d like to spend my time with. I don’t do it to keep tabs or because I’m obsessive, I do it because I yearn for that sort of connection and the only times I’m really close to being happy are the times that I am with someone I deeply care about.

I’m not easy to be with and for that I feel guilty and all the more hopeless in my endeavors. But, I will relent on, for what else can I do? E is a waste of my time, I have no feelings left for M, and then there’s the other girl. The one that was after E. We never were in a full relationship, we just dated for awhile, but I really liked her. She was cute and funny and very kind and understanding. But, our personalities clashed too much. We never argued or anything, but she was just too outgoing and sociable for me and she just turned 21 and wanted to go out and do this and that which I didn’t feel comfortable with at all and that kind of showed both of us that we just weren’t right for each other. We’re still friends, there’s no loathing between the two of us, and I really liked her a lot but, we just weren’t right. I might give her a nickname down the road, but I’m not sure how much I’ll be talking about her. Till then she’s just “the other girl.” Which I feel somewhat strange calling her that because that’s not all she is to me, she is my friend and someone I care for and calling her “the other girl” is not what I prefer. So I won’t do that, actually. Lets call her “C”. For now, at least.

I must scurry off to class now.

Best of days

-Righ