The Return

Hello, friends. It’s been quite awhile, hasn’t it? I do apologize for my lack of posting, I’ll attempt to rectify that. Between school and C I haven’t had much time to actually reflect and therefore have been far too caught up in going-on’s to actually focus on things critically. But due to this morning, that has changed.

C stayed the night, as she normally does since classes have started again, and when we awoke this morning we laid in bed awhile just talking and joking around. My hand was cold and I pressed it against her stomach to tease her and when she pushed it away I jokingly said “oh, you know you love me.” Her reply? “I do love you.” What followed was an exchange of “I love you’s” and some kissing. We then made breakfast and carried on with our day. I wasn’t surprised when she said it and I’m rather certain she wasn’t either. I’ve known for awhile now that she probably did love me and I’m certain she’s known. This is a huge thing, even if we aren’t treating it as such. Since we exchanged those words I’ve been.. Doubting us. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, she’s wonderful and we are a very wonderful couple. But the doubt lingers and clings to every thought and phrase. I’ve wanted this for so long with her and now that I’ve achieved this I feel.. Strange. I did everything I possibly could for her and treated her as if she were a queen and now that I’ve begun reaping the rewards I’ve suddenly become less interested. I have been happy with her and absolutely certain of my love but now I find my conviction to be rather lacking and this is very troubling. I don’t want to hurt her. But do I truly care if I do? Do I truly care who I hurt at all? Do I care, at all, about anyone? I know that it’s right to care and so I try to but do I actually? I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m pathetic. I am so desperate for the caring and love of others and yet I am so reluctant to reciprocate. Am I selfish? Yes. I suppose at least.

I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I’m nice to strangers but it’s never because I care for their happiness, I’ve always been kind because I understand that if I am “rude” that there is the possibility that I will invoke a negative reaction. I’m not afraid of being verbally abused, I just don’t care enough about them to have to deal with their reaction. Am I a sociopath?

I know this entry is not as formal nor as detailed and less coherent than my usual. I am very tired right now and lack the will to write but it will be my only chance for a few days so I figured I should. I will write another as soon as I can and I promise something much, much better than this.

Until then, best of days.

-Elias

(I think I may have explained in a previous post that I like how the name sounds flipped around, “Elias Righ.”)

C

I want to sleep for a hundred years. I want to sleep until she is buried within the Earth, her molecules released. I want to sleep until I am nothing, and she is everything.

I’m losing her.

This week, I’ve been spending my nights at C’s house as her parents are out of town currently. Everything has been going great between us, absolutely wonderful. Tuesday was fantastic. I cooked some pastaand chicken for dinner, we ate, she modeled some of her new underwear, ha, and we fell asleep together, satisfied and happy. The next morning, everything seemed perfectly fine. She seemed upbeat and in a good mood. She left for class and I stayed at her house, did some yoga, watched some Supernatural, played with her dogs, and waited for her to get home. She came home and we sat on her bed and she just started to sob. We laid there for about half an hour while she cried. Then she stopped and said she wanted to take a nap so, we laid down and curled up under the sheets. I asked if she was going to be okay, she shrugged. I then made an awful decision: I asked if WE would be alright. She just kind of looked down.

I started to kind of tear up.

I asked again.

She told me “you’ll be okay.” Which only made me cry harder.

We began to talk. She’s not yet over her ex which I knew, he really messed her up. We’ve talked things out, we’re still together, but she said something to me that is ripping me apart: “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same?”

Maybe I’ve read her wrong, maybe she is absolutely fantastic at faking her emotions. But from who she was when we started talking, to who she is now, is a different person. Before we started being together, she would go to her friend’s house and get drunk with her quite often, she would tell me she is numb and that she could never see us being in a relationship. Now, she hasn’t gone out and drank since, SHE asked ME to be her boyfriend, and she has admitted to me that I make her happy. Maybe she’s been lying to me. Maybe. But I’m not sure. I have more reason to believe she’s lying to herself, though. In terms of sex she told me we would never have it, she told me we would never be in a relationship, well now we have sex and we are a couple. She doubts herself so much. Days like yesterday are the cracks where the past slip through. She’s slowly getting over him but she’s still in pain from it all. I want to help her. I want to be the pinnacle of her affection.

C, I CAN picture myself years into the future with you. You’re absolutely wonderful and when I thought that we would be going our separate ways, I felt more lost than I have in years. Not even when E left me did I feel so terrible. If it has to end between us, which I am actually sure it will, I just want you to know that I love you and that I hope with all my might that you find happiness again and that you live and love and grow. You are capable of so fucking much, stop doubting yourself, you’re magnificent.

Anyways, I’m absolutely exhausted. I woke up with C at 6 today, I have a dentist appointment that I must leave for and then, I’m going to play Dungeons and Dragons with my friends which I’m excited for because, contrary to popular belief, it fucking rocks.

Best of days

-Righ

House

I’ve been scrolling through my Facebook, looking at the posts from years ago. I’m not entirely sure on what I’m feeling but it’s a combination of mass amounts of regret, guilt, nostalgia, yearning, hatred, and anger, oh and some guffaws in regards to the stupid statuses I made. It’s actually very noticeable how quickly my demeanor changed and how my sophistication took shape. I’ve also held myself in a higher regard for not slumping so low as many other teenagers of my generation and of those after me but, looking back, I was nearly there. I broke hearts, hurt friends, and complained so fucking much. I also made a couple of statuses in which I cussed out my mother for the dumbest things. I was a little shit. But, one of the most crucial pieces of my past psyche is the speed at which I declared “love” and the significant lack of empathy I had. In fact, I still have it.

What I mean is, by looking back, I’ve noticed that I never missed a girlfriend unless it left me alone. I was feeding my need for a companionship, I never truly cared about who it was, just that someone was there and I felt as if I was ready to spend my life with them. Yes, it is stereotypical teenage naivety but that lack of empathy persists even until now. The instance with W in which I left her for my succubus of an ex girlfriend left W heartbroken. I knew I was hurting her deeply yet I still left her for succubus because I felt.. Bored. I think. No matter how W begged and pleaded I didn’t care. It’s heartless, yes, but it’s the truth. I’ve been in denial of my behavior for so many years so, I’m going to allow all of my ugliness to the world through this blog. I don’t care who reads it. I’m sick of lying to myself and the rest of the world.

I am a misanthropic, introverted, narcissistic, arrogant asshole. 

And you know what the most fucked up part is? I like it. 

In hindsight, years later, I do have my regrets and my fair share of guilt. It’s not until recently that I’ve realized I don’t exactly have that much humanity. I’m cold, calculating, too technical, and very cynical. But lately, I’m happy. Not entirely, I’m too nihilistic to be fully happy, but C has done a very good job of rationalizing my misanthropic/nihilistic attitude and has started to dilute it. Not a significant amount, mind you, but still.. I’m starting to reclaim my humanity, if I ever had it to begin with. The battle is being fought uphill though.

Anyways, I am absolutely exhausted. I think I need to quit my job. I spend thirteen hours, every weekend, dealing with roughly four hundred people who are absolute imbeciles.

I’m spending the week at C’s house so I won’t be updating till after that probably, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

I know this update was probably a little bit strange but I was feeling very mixed inside and I’m very, very tired so.. That probably doesn’t help much. I feel as if I’m losing my touch.

Best of days

-Righ

(The title is a bit of a joke, you may get it)

ALSO, I posted a bit of philosophical writing a little while ago titled ‘Oh What Monsters We Be’ and I’d like to inquire if anyone would be interested in my posting of more writing such as that. I have a bit more that I have done over time so, I can post more if anyone is interested in that. Let me know in the comments! I’ll probably post some anyways, with or without consent, because I’m a loose-cannon blogger who plays fast and loose with writing parameters and public opinion.

Cafe of Grey

I’m sitting in a cafe typing this on my phone because my laptop is unfortunately broken and is currently at the repair shop.

Things have picked up drastically. C and I are officially together and I am positively thrilled about this advancement. Other than that however, my mood has been dreary. I’m not necessarily relapsing but I’m simple flatlined. I’m not in a period of mania but I’m not in a period of depression, per se. I just feel… Bored and more so tired.

Luckily, I managed to email my short story to myself and so Elias Right lives on and I shall continue working upon it shortly. (Yes, I switched the first and last name around from this blog because I liked it better.)

Updates will follow and I do so apologize for the lack of them. You are all absolutely wonderful and those of you who have reached out to me, thank you so much for your support.

Best of days

-Righ

P.S. I just tried to slide my chair in further and nearly tipped the entire table over and nearly sent all of my food flying off of the edge.. Oops.

The Doubt of Confidentiality

Today has been a poor day for me. It’s returning en force and I am helpless to it. That seething darkness that corrupts each possible thought and with it brings heightened anxiety and fearfulness. I confided in C a little bit today and last night but I don’t want to. I mean, yes, I need someone to confide in but I don’t want it to be her because she has demons she struggles with as well and I don’t want her to have to carry my burdens as well, in fact, I don’t want anyone else to carry these burdens. I am fearful that if I confide too much and too often that she will begin to break underneath the weight of it all as E did. I don’t want a repeat of that, I truly care for and like C. In fact, the inkling of what I think may very well be love is starting to creep forth. But, I am weary and cautious for too many times I have confused being in love with the person for being in love with the idea of loving them. It’s a concept I don’t entirely grasp but it is born from desperation and from loneliness. Lately, I’ve had inspiration to go out and participate in things; to actually go out and make plans with other people and engage in social interaction with C there. This is too is born from desperation and loneliness. I’m so tired of sitting here, at my home, day after day with my thoughts and pondering my sorrow and dwelling upon it. I’m sick and fucking tired of being alone, of feeling dejected, but I can’t fucking overcome it. If I try to talk to friends of mine or meet other people I feel uncomfortable, I simply cannot manage it. Which leads to even further frustration because I don’t feel comfortable enough to open up to anyone but C. That’s how it’s always been; my significant other is the only person I have ever truly been comfortable confiding all of my demons in. I was contemplating quitting therapy but, I’m not so sure now. I don’t trust him, and I never disclose as much information as I disclose here but it’s someone to talk to, at least.

 

I’m tired of living in fear of being abandoned. I’m tired of this knot in my stomach that never truly dissipates. I’m tired of not feeling good enough for even myself. I’m tired of attempting to impress other people. But most importantly: I’m tired of being tired. I feel hopeless now with the new-found realization that I may very well never find relief to these sensations. So I will sit and I will wait and I will survive if only just barely.

I will wait to die.

Perhaps I need a nap… I hate naps.

Sorry for how abrupt this is.

Best of days

-Righ

It’s Been Awhile, Hasn’t It?

Hello my good, fine, fellows! Quite a number of days have passed since I have last posted and for that I direct my sincerest of apologies. This semester is nearly over with about three weeks left and I have been working my ass off academically, working my ass of at the gym, and spending my ass off with C. I haven’t written in so long also because there hasn’t been much to report, which in itself I suppose is something worth talking about. You see, things have actually been going very well for me lately. I’m getting in shape quite nicely, I’m happy with C and things are going good, and school wise I’m behind on a few things but I’m trying my best to catch up. All in all, things are actually looking up for me. My depression has been at bay for some time now and my panic attacks are further apart and fewer in numbers and less in severity.

Unfortunately, due to things going well, things are extraordinarily boring.

I feel restless and too occupied. I’m exhausted from all of this “positivity” because I have a very cynical and nihilistic temperament and so this strange and lucid happiness is exactly that. It’s surreal and not necessarily in a good way, it feels fabricated almost. But it’s here now and I guess that’s good, right? I feel.. Not myself right now. I don’t recognize this person that wears my skin and has adopted my mind. I feel as if I’m letting myself go intellectually and indulging too much into fleeting things. Before, I had always devoted most of my time to observation and to my intellect but now I’m devoting time to simple things, which are good to indulge in but all I’ve ever had was my own mind for most of my life thus far, and I feel as if my mind is.. Slipping from me. It’s an uncomfortable sensation and I know I should relish in this newly found happiness but I can’t help but be weary and to tread lightly. Now, simply because I’m happier does not mean I have shed my burdens nor have I blossomed into some extroverted optimist (yuck) I assure you all that much. My morbid, cynical, and nihilistic approach to life still dwells in me as it is who I am, but they roam freely without the dark and pressing weight of my depression and my anxiety that constantly accompanied them and commanded them. I feel lifted from those burdens somewhat even though I can feel them lurking just under the surface.

I’ve decided I am going to quit therapy. I can’t stand it anymore. I talk to him about my issues and about my life and he picks up on things I says and once I finish speaking he goes off on a speech about some peculiar piece of information I gave him, which I would normally understand as he is a therapist but the pieces of information that he chooses are absolutely silly. He dwells upon things that I say that have little to no importance to me and he acts as if they are legitimate issues. He never quite gets the point of what I am telling him about myself, he just can’t seem to hit the nail on the head so to speak. It irritates me immensely. He’s helped me identify exactly what it is that I struggle with and he’s recommended a books on the matters but I believe that’s as far as therapy will take me. The only being that can truly help me work through my burdens and overcome what I struggle with is myself. Also, to be honest, I don’t like nor trust therapists/counselors/psychiatrists because I feel that too many of them are only in it for the money. Especially the guy I’m seeing, he’s a greedy little bastard. But, I digress.

I’m currently waiting for C to come over and I decided I’d post on here to pass the time. The weather has finally moved past it’s 20-30 range with snowfall and in fact today it was about 80! Hurrah! It’s currently on the verge of a thunderstorm right now and that’s significantly adding to my mood for I love the rain. I can’t stand clear, sunny, days as I feel they are intrusive and obnoxious. I love grey, windy, and rainy days for I feel that they are comforting and refreshing and melancholic. I relish melancholy, I adore it, and I bask in it. It may sound rather morbid but I’d rather be cynical, nihilistic, and melancholic than happy and optimistic. I’ll leave the optimism to the optimists and the extroversion to the extroverts.

There was more I had to say but I can’t remember and C is here, can’t have her discovering this little blog now can we? In fact, no one that is part of my life knows about it or else the anonymity of it would be pointless.

Best of days

-Righ

 

Carpe Diem

While I was with E I bought two canvases, they were on sale and I was beginning to show an interest in art and wanted to try my hand at painting as a form of release. Writing was and is my vice, my crutch, but I came to realize at how I completely lacked creativity. I focused on the world too much and put everything into a nihilistic perspective with negative realism. I decided it was time I began to indulge into creativity even though I lacked, and still do, any artistic ability. I thought that it may help me cope with that which writing was beginning to fall short of. That thought itself scared me, that writing was beginning to not be enough, that I was reaching a climax, a crescendo, one that writing could not drag back down to a mezo piano.

The canvases are sitting against my wall in my room, unopened. When E and I broke up I was waiting to get paint from her but, alas, we parted ways before I could. After that happened I contemplated just destroying them, but, decided against it. From that day onward my artistic ambition went back into decline and now it lays there, buried beneath a heavy nihilism. But now, I’m feeling this strange re-invigoration come about by music and my newly developed healthy lifestyle that I just started. I’m not happier so much as I have more energy and strangely enough the energy is more positive than usual. I believe C coming back into my life is playing a significant role along with my closure over M and E. I think I’m going to purchase painting supplies and have myself a time with this canvas. Now, if only I could paint..

I apologize for the shortness and rather blandness of these past few posts; I’ve been exhausted from both physical exercise and today was a very, very long day at work and unfortunately, things in my life have been going… Well.. Decently. I promise you all a good story very soon, perhaps Tuesday night after I finish up this paper or maybe even Monday, we’ll see.

Best of days

-Righ

P.S. This band has, for whatever reason, been inspiring me quite a bit lately:

 

What a Long, Strange, Road That Lies Ahead

Well, I suppose I’ll simply jump into the midst of things rather than waste the entire post on it: C and I are again seeing each other. I talked before about how we just weren’t right for one another and this will definitely only end negatively for me but it’s not something I fear. Nearly every decision I make leads me further down the path of self-destruction. She does things that I don’t necessarily agree with, but it’s not as if she’s doing hard drugs or partying constantly. She makes me happy for the time being, the only thing that’s truly worrying me is that she does not want a relationship. She says that she isn’t ready and I believe her. She was with her last boyfriend for a little over three years, had an apartment with him, and even transferred to another school with him. Her life was built around him and he tore it down. I don’t know where my journey with her will take me, and frankly, I don’t care. I’m happy with how things are, for once I feel as if my life is moving forward. This limbo I’ve been trapped in is slowly giving way and I’m feeling the crawl of time again. I’m starting to actually look towards the future and relish in the present rather than drift through the past as a ghost. But underneath all of this new life and invigoration there dwells the dark creature. Lurking within the recesses of my mind, waiting to once again consume me. I’m on a road to joy, a road to renewal and maybe, just maybe, happiness. But I can feel the darkness there, underneath it all, I can feel its ever so slight presence as it waits patiently.

I exercised today, something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve also started to eat healthy, but I do lack a good amount of the required food so hopefully this Sunday C and I will be able to go out and buy some healthy food. I’ve tried many times to begin living a healthier physical lifestyle because I know that if I can achieve that, I will also achieve a healthier mental lifestyle. And so, I have opened up a new pathway in my life; I have cut away the bramble and underbrush and discovered this new trail to take. It may be rocky and challenging but the reward far outweighs the challenge; what a long, strange, road that lies ahead of me.

I apologize for how brisk and vague this is, I’m exhausted from exercising and so my usual more poetic style of writing is rather lacking from the fatigue. I think now I’m going to have some toast with an egg and watch Dexter and then retire.

Best of Days

-Righ

My Problem With Relationships

Why must it be so difficult to find a female that is compatible with me? Why is society so engulfed by these needless, wasteful, and stupefying activities? Rather than gaining knowledge and wisdom and enjoying the beauty of the world, people now prefer to go into dark, loud, clubs and grind on one another. Perhaps it’s indulgence in more primal urges but to me it is simply barbaric and a waste of time. I need to find a girl who enjoys just sitting quietly and reading and with whom I can enjoy the knowledgeable and simple aspects of life in a dignified yet silly manner. But the most daunting aspect of finding someone for myself is that they must be able to understand what it is that ails me. I’m not easy to be in a relationship with because I am a slave to my emotions and the primary emotion is generally depression and that alone branches out into others such as anger and it amplifies my anxiety along with the relationship itself. I perceive these false notions that I create in my mind and I begin to believe them which forces me into a panic attack which leads to anger which begins to build into sorrow and I begin to feel dejected. I also need a dependable person for I don’t have many friends and so when I am in a relationship I seek that person to be my main time occupier. This creates problems because then the girl generally begins to feel a bit “suffocated” by me and I come off as “clingy” when in actuality, I just don’t really have anyone else I’d like to spend my time with. I don’t do it to keep tabs or because I’m obsessive, I do it because I yearn for that sort of connection and the only times I’m really close to being happy are the times that I am with someone I deeply care about.

I’m not easy to be with and for that I feel guilty and all the more hopeless in my endeavors. But, I will relent on, for what else can I do? E is a waste of my time, I have no feelings left for M, and then there’s the other girl. The one that was after E. We never were in a full relationship, we just dated for awhile, but I really liked her. She was cute and funny and very kind and understanding. But, our personalities clashed too much. We never argued or anything, but she was just too outgoing and sociable for me and she just turned 21 and wanted to go out and do this and that which I didn’t feel comfortable with at all and that kind of showed both of us that we just weren’t right for each other. We’re still friends, there’s no loathing between the two of us, and I really liked her a lot but, we just weren’t right. I might give her a nickname down the road, but I’m not sure how much I’ll be talking about her. Till then she’s just “the other girl.” Which I feel somewhat strange calling her that because that’s not all she is to me, she is my friend and someone I care for and calling her “the other girl” is not what I prefer. So I won’t do that, actually. Lets call her “C”. For now, at least.

I must scurry off to class now.

Best of days

-Righ

E- The Story, The Ballad Pt. 3

I went with her today, after class, when she went shopping for supplies. We went to Wal Mart, Target, and Michael’s shopping around for things for her photography class. The void in my chest has been torn open, it is now a deep and dark abyss. Within it lies the monstrosity slowly clawing its way back to the surface of my flesh, it is upon me now and I can feel it digging into every piece of my body and mind, slowly devouring my sanity and my heart.

My monster.

It has been with me my entire life, lying in wait to consume me. It cloaked itself in love and happiness until it became too hungry and came out to feast. As I grow, it gains strength, using my body, my thoughts, and my emotions to sustain itself. With each day it sinks its jaws into a new fragment of my mind, a new memory. It has finished with my thoughts, it controls them indefinitely. I noticed the beast too late and now, although I fight with vigor, it is in vain. This beast, this darkness, has crept into every facet of space within my mind, tinging all that is light and beautiful and turning all into abominations. It contorts and corrupts my mind, bending it to its will. I am a slave to this monstrosity. E was my escape, for a time. She fought it more than even I could, she breathed light and life into the crevices, slowly pushing the darkness back into the depths of the abyss and ensuring it stays there. But, when all became calm, when she had beaten it back, it came in force too quickly and too powerfully for her or I to resist. It ripped me apart and began to reach out to her, infecting her and giving her own monster strength and the vitality to wage a war. She could not fight it in herself and so she fled, fast and far she ran, leaving me to fight alone. Her flight invigorated the beast and it latched itself in deeper that it ever had before.

I began the war again.

I was losing but I surprised it, I sought reinforcements. I had begun to gain the upper-hand, I was winning. But it was too late, it had turned my mind against me, taken my thoughts and emotions, it had made me a slave. But I fought. I struggled and pushed and forced my way back into control, I was gaining territory. All seemed well, the war was in my favor until she reappeared. Now, after today, the monster is back. It is infecting and corrupting me and I am helpless to it. The hopelessness, the despair, the depravity, the insecurity, the loneliness, it has returned en force. I do not know if I can beat it back this time. I am tired. I am so, so tired. What was once the hopeful light on the horizon has turned against me and is now the ever-creeping darkness that haunts the edge of my vision, that taints the very outer-reaches of my mind slowly sliding its way into me. E, E has turned against me. I am pathetic.

I hate being who I am. I hate these burdens, these unfair and misunderstood burdens. Why can’t I be extroverted? Why can’t I function properly in social interactions? I need other people. I can’t do this alone anymore yet it only feels worse when I reach out to other people, when I try to make new friends or try to establish even an acquaintanceship. I’ve always enjoyed my time alone with my thoughts but my thoughts have become my enemy, I crave distraction for without it, I crumble to nothing. I am nothing.

Best of days

-Righ