As if all at once, it comes rushing back to me. As if a levy has broken and the current is left to its own devices. I feel shallow and guilt ridden as the malevolent ghosts come back to haunt me. I am not worthy of those who call themselves my friends, I am not worthy of the women who have loved me, and I am not worthy of C. I have effectively manipulated, hurt, and betrayed everyone who has ever loved me. I have no capacity for it. I am a romanticist and so I enjoy playing upon the notion of love and making myself believe that I feel it. But do I really? Have I ever? Will I ever? I don’t know, honestly. There are times where I am so sure that I am in love that the idea that I have ever thought otherwise is absolutely absurd. But, then, once I come down from that, I feel panicked and afraid because I have just invested my emotions into this woman and now I’m not sure if I actually feel that way. Do I even have the capacity to experience true emotions outside of apathy? A majority of the time, I believe I do not. I feel guilt for my actions because I know that the people I hurt care for me deeply, even though I do not particularly care as much for them. I fear the only reason I maintain any sort of relationship with anyone is so that I do not end up alone, not because I truly care to be there friend as I only keep the minimum amount of contact required to maintain the “friendship.” Does this stem out of an inability to care for others? Or does it stem from my misanthropic personality that is a result of some event that occurred to me at a younger age? Perhaps my father is truly at the root of my issues, as my therapist said. ‘Tis all speculation at this point, perhaps I will never know.. No.. I’m not okay with that. I have to know. If there exists a mystery, then there also exists a solution.

I need this semester to start. I need a distraction from myself. Although, judging how these past two have gone, I doubt it will provide much of one. In fact, it is very likely to simply worsen my current condition. I still yearn for it, nevertheless. The intellectual challenges that are attached to it, the learning, and simply the activity. Of course, having doubled up on my English classes last semester, I have taken nearly all of them and so I will not be in one this semester which saddens me deeply. I very much love Science. But in those English classes I was allowed to explore my psyche, I was allowed to explore the darkened areas of my mind and report on my quest of self-realization to a professor that praised my work, supported it, and inspired it. Without that outlet, I believe I will be turning, with much more regularity, to this outlet. So, after this next week, expect more and more updates from me, hopefully.

I am tired, and it is nearly six in the morning but I find myself very anxious and restless. I feel this doubt, hanging over my head like a burdened shadow. Whenever I gaze long into my past, a certain nostalgia washes over me and I cannot shake it. I am so terrified of what lies ahead for me that I cling to my past as tightly as I may. I remember in an earlier post I stated that I no longer am a ghost, lingering in my past, and at that time I was not, but now I am returning. I have committed so many wrongs and I feel as if I have missed so much of my life, I have to go back, I have to be the person I’ve always wished I could be, and I have to do it all right this time.

L, I am so sorry.

J, I am so sorry.

W, I am so sorry.

P, I am so sorry.

H, we met during my first semester. We were the top two students in our English class and I walked you to your car every day. I miss you quite a bit, I truly enjoyed our (short) discussions on life, Science, and our futures. I hope wherever you are you’re happy and well. You are a wonderful girl and to be honest, I had quite the crush on you and when you asked me to lunch I did experience “butterflies.” It’s in the past now, although I do regret not taking it any further. You are a very fascinating person and even if we had never been together I wish we had stayed in contact as I believe our friendship would be wonderful despite our opposing viewpoints on some matters. Perhaps I’ll look you up, eh? Or is that simply creepy? Oh, well, I suppose.

The sun has risen, and I am melancholic yet drained entirely. I must stop writing here.

Best of days

-Righ