The Slow and Steep Descent

With each day that passes I find myself falling, lower and lower. Falling, into the chasm from whence I came. As the dark chill of winter encroaches upon the threshold of my skin so does that of my depression upon the very fringes of my mind; sliding between and entwining itself within my neurons, absorbing the B-catenin proteins as they attempt to enter my D2 receptors.

I need you to miss me.

I need you to continue to care for me and love me because I need to learn how to love.

I don’t know how to love.

I thought I loved C. I was so certain of it. But the moment she spoke those words “I love you” I’ve felt so much more distant from her. As if that was it, that was all. I am afraid that it may be a requirement that I live my life without a significant other because I’m not sure I can dedicate all of myself, or most of myself, to one person. I don’t have enough to give and I don’t have anything I want to take. So I smile, I carry on, and I do my part as a good boyfriend and sometimes my chest swells and my stomach flutters and I feel smitten. Sometimes, if only for a short while, I feel in love. I feel happy. For a time, I actually care. I enjoy those moments in particular. They give me a sense of being human. It’s a sense of emotion, of feeling. I experience empathy in those moments and it is like a drug. It’s a high, so to speak. I want to truly love and truly feel. I don’t want to break hearts, especially C’s, which shows that I do care about her, but the issue is that I know for a fact that if I simply had courage I could leave her and be perfectly fine. At least, until I become lonely and begin to miss her. But that happens with nearly every single person who becomes a significant factor in my life. I fall for them and work at the relationship until they fall in love with me and once they do I start to separate myself from them until we break up and then, after perhaps a month or so, I begin to feel lonely and I start yearning for them.

However, E and W were special cases. I believe that I truly loved them because I still love them. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with W and the same with E. But, with C, I thought I was prepared to but now.. Well, now I’m beginning to feel otherwise. This is the same situation I had with M and she and I lasted for well over a year.

I suppose this could be due in part to my anti-social, introverted, tendencies. I yearn for affection and companionship so intensely and once I receive it I can only handle it for a few months at most. Once that time has passed, however, I require nearly an equal amount in solitude. It’s as if all of my societal functioning comes out in a burst and then I require time to recharge. I’m not entirely certain, though.

I know this post and perhaps the ones since my return have not been as poetic as I normally write and for that I do apologize. I just.. I don’t feel it anymore. I feel numb. So very, very numb and it saddens me deeply because writing, aside from Science, is my greatest passion and yet, I have lost the spark.

I am once again descending into darkness.

Best of days,

-Elias

Malevolence

As if all at once, it comes rushing back to me. As if a levy has broken and the current is left to its own devices. I feel shallow and guilt ridden as the malevolent ghosts come back to haunt me. I am not worthy of those who call themselves my friends, I am not worthy of the women who have loved me, and I am not worthy of C. I have effectively manipulated, hurt, and betrayed everyone who has ever loved me. I have no capacity for it. I am a romanticist and so I enjoy playing upon the notion of love and making myself believe that I feel it. But do I really? Have I ever? Will I ever? I don’t know, honestly. There are times where I am so sure that I am in love that the idea that I have ever thought otherwise is absolutely absurd. But, then, once I come down from that, I feel panicked and afraid because I have just invested my emotions into this woman and now I’m not sure if I actually feel that way. Do I even have the capacity to experience true emotions outside of apathy? A majority of the time, I believe I do not. I feel guilt for my actions because I know that the people I hurt care for me deeply, even though I do not particularly care as much for them. I fear the only reason I maintain any sort of relationship with anyone is so that I do not end up alone, not because I truly care to be there friend as I only keep the minimum amount of contact required to maintain the “friendship.” Does this stem out of an inability to care for others? Or does it stem from my misanthropic personality that is a result of some event that occurred to me at a younger age? Perhaps my father is truly at the root of my issues, as my therapist said. ‘Tis all speculation at this point, perhaps I will never know.. No.. I’m not okay with that. I have to know. If there exists a mystery, then there also exists a solution.

I need this semester to start. I need a distraction from myself. Although, judging how these past two have gone, I doubt it will provide much of one. In fact, it is very likely to simply worsen my current condition. I still yearn for it, nevertheless. The intellectual challenges that are attached to it, the learning, and simply the activity. Of course, having doubled up on my English classes last semester, I have taken nearly all of them and so I will not be in one this semester which saddens me deeply. I very much love Science. But in those English classes I was allowed to explore my psyche, I was allowed to explore the darkened areas of my mind and report on my quest of self-realization to a professor that praised my work, supported it, and inspired it. Without that outlet, I believe I will be turning, with much more regularity, to this outlet. So, after this next week, expect more and more updates from me, hopefully.

I am tired, and it is nearly six in the morning but I find myself very anxious and restless. I feel this doubt, hanging over my head like a burdened shadow. Whenever I gaze long into my past, a certain nostalgia washes over me and I cannot shake it. I am so terrified of what lies ahead for me that I cling to my past as tightly as I may. I remember in an earlier post I stated that I no longer am a ghost, lingering in my past, and at that time I was not, but now I am returning. I have committed so many wrongs and I feel as if I have missed so much of my life, I have to go back, I have to be the person I’ve always wished I could be, and I have to do it all right this time.

L, I am so sorry.

J, I am so sorry.

W, I am so sorry.

P, I am so sorry.

H, we met during my first semester. We were the top two students in our English class and I walked you to your car every day. I miss you quite a bit, I truly enjoyed our (short) discussions on life, Science, and our futures. I hope wherever you are you’re happy and well. You are a wonderful girl and to be honest, I had quite the crush on you and when you asked me to lunch I did experience “butterflies.” It’s in the past now, although I do regret not taking it any further. You are a very fascinating person and even if we had never been together I wish we had stayed in contact as I believe our friendship would be wonderful despite our opposing viewpoints on some matters. Perhaps I’ll look you up, eh? Or is that simply creepy? Oh, well, I suppose.

The sun has risen, and I am melancholic yet drained entirely. I must stop writing here.

Best of days

-Righ

House

I’ve been scrolling through my Facebook, looking at the posts from years ago. I’m not entirely sure on what I’m feeling but it’s a combination of mass amounts of regret, guilt, nostalgia, yearning, hatred, and anger, oh and some guffaws in regards to the stupid statuses I made. It’s actually very noticeable how quickly my demeanor changed and how my sophistication took shape. I’ve also held myself in a higher regard for not slumping so low as many other teenagers of my generation and of those after me but, looking back, I was nearly there. I broke hearts, hurt friends, and complained so fucking much. I also made a couple of statuses in which I cussed out my mother for the dumbest things. I was a little shit. But, one of the most crucial pieces of my past psyche is the speed at which I declared “love” and the significant lack of empathy I had. In fact, I still have it.

What I mean is, by looking back, I’ve noticed that I never missed a girlfriend unless it left me alone. I was feeding my need for a companionship, I never truly cared about who it was, just that someone was there and I felt as if I was ready to spend my life with them. Yes, it is stereotypical teenage naivety but that lack of empathy persists even until now. The instance with W in which I left her for my succubus of an ex girlfriend left W heartbroken. I knew I was hurting her deeply yet I still left her for succubus because I felt.. Bored. I think. No matter how W begged and pleaded I didn’t care. It’s heartless, yes, but it’s the truth. I’ve been in denial of my behavior for so many years so, I’m going to allow all of my ugliness to the world through this blog. I don’t care who reads it. I’m sick of lying to myself and the rest of the world.

I am a misanthropic, introverted, narcissistic, arrogant asshole. 

And you know what the most fucked up part is? I like it. 

In hindsight, years later, I do have my regrets and my fair share of guilt. It’s not until recently that I’ve realized I don’t exactly have that much humanity. I’m cold, calculating, too technical, and very cynical. But lately, I’m happy. Not entirely, I’m too nihilistic to be fully happy, but C has done a very good job of rationalizing my misanthropic/nihilistic attitude and has started to dilute it. Not a significant amount, mind you, but still.. I’m starting to reclaim my humanity, if I ever had it to begin with. The battle is being fought uphill though.

Anyways, I am absolutely exhausted. I think I need to quit my job. I spend thirteen hours, every weekend, dealing with roughly four hundred people who are absolute imbeciles.

I’m spending the week at C’s house so I won’t be updating till after that probably, but I’ll let you know how it goes.

I know this update was probably a little bit strange but I was feeling very mixed inside and I’m very, very tired so.. That probably doesn’t help much. I feel as if I’m losing my touch.

Best of days

-Righ

(The title is a bit of a joke, you may get it)

ALSO, I posted a bit of philosophical writing a little while ago titled ‘Oh What Monsters We Be’ and I’d like to inquire if anyone would be interested in my posting of more writing such as that. I have a bit more that I have done over time so, I can post more if anyone is interested in that. Let me know in the comments! I’ll probably post some anyways, with or without consent, because I’m a loose-cannon blogger who plays fast and loose with writing parameters and public opinion.

The Mistake

If you want the moral of the story skip to the end-ish. 

I also apologize for any grammatical errors, this was hastily written mostly on my phone.

Yesterday was, bluntly, awful. It started off with a bit of excitement, some joy, and some doubt but overall it started well for yesterday I went to lunch and a movie with an ex girlfriend. (Let’s call her “M”). M and I were together for a little over a year with our relationship ending just last year. After some time apart I thought I’d like to give it another try, so, I called her on Thursday and we set up to see a movie and have lunch on Saturday (yesterday) until my mother was informed and wanted me to bring M to my house because my mom missed her. I thought this would be alright, why wouldn’t it be? I was so wrong.

We went to lunch, that was fine and dandy until I had an impulse of emotion.. We were walking out talking about something I wasn’t really paying attention to when I felt a moment of pure lust. I grabbed her by the waist, pulled her in, and kissed her.. Hard. At the moment, it seemed right, it seemed.. Good.. In a way, I guess. We carried on our day, went to see Divergent and acting as if we were together. I felt happy but I could feel this inkling of doubt begin to slowly worm its way into my mind. We got into my car to leave the theater when she asks me what we are. This is the question I’d been dreading to hear and now my little notion of doubt has turned into a raging thunderstorm within the confines of my mind, spreading out and corrupting each part of my body rapidly forcing me into a near panic attack. I have no idea what I want with her, all I knew was that I missed her and that for right now, this day, I wanted to be with her again to at least feel something. The loneliness had become palpable and I needed a relief, was that all she was to me? Perhaps, but at that moment, I felt like I truly wanted her and so that’s what I told her. I told her that I wanted her but as soon as I said that I felt guilty, burdened.

ANYWAYS..

That cleared up a bit and we carried on our way, talking, the conversation was taking a more personal turn now which made me feel sort of uncomfortable, I was afraid to establish too much of a connection as my sureness was waning quickly. Soon the conversation turned into light bickering over past troubles from when we were together which started to turn into a bit of an argument and eventually, we were arguing over matters that had little to no relevance any longer.

-Part of the reason I went back to her was because I thought that maybe, just maybe, she had changed for the better. That she’d learnt to respect what I struggle with better and allow the relationship to go both ways rather than forcing her wants upon me and prioritizing her troubles, constantly, much farther above mine and expecting me to set aside my own each and every time hers arose. Yes, I was glad to help her, I cared for her and I wanted her to be happy but over time her problems showed to be less and less severe and eventually reached a point where I feel she was simply becoming overly-hysterical about things that really just did not require just a strong reaction; petty things. Eventually she even began trying to come in between myself and the few close friends that I have, she became jealous. After spending a week at my home she would leave and I would go to see my good friend.. Lets give him a little nickname too since I’m certain he will be brought up later on so we shall call him… “W”.  W and I hung out a pretty good amount as he lives a matter of seconds away from me by car and the both of us suffer from many of the same ailments although his, in some areas, are significantly worse which sort of fashioned him into a mediocre role model for myself. So, M’s interference with this friendship was something I was vehemently opposed to. This cause… a lot of conflict between us and eventually helped lead to my decision to cut things off.

OKAY BACK ON TRACK!..

By the time we reached my house I was shaking with anger. I was insulted and I realized just how much I regretted bringing her here, to my house.

-I’ve just realized that this story is taking a very long time and, come to think of it, I probably could have summarized this a significant amount. Shall I simply skip the rest of the boring details? Alright.

We arrived at my house, I went to my room to put my things away, she followed, we talked more, then.. What I regret the most… We had sex. It was awkward sex, though. It felt.. Wrong yet surreal. I felt as if I was reliving a memory rather than actually experiencing it. Perhaps that’s all I was trying to do.. Anyways, that happened and after that the rest of the night was very awkward. She was only supposed to be there for a little bit but the weather took a turn for the worse and the roads became impassable due to the snowfall and so, to my absolute pleasure.. She spent the night. That was the worst night of my life, I have never been more uncomfortable in my own home for I didn’t want her there. I didn’t want her at my home any longer, I shouldn’t have brought her there, and I needed her out of my house.

We slept very separated on my bed with our backs to one another. I drove her home this afternoon after I got off of work (which I arrived four hours late to because I did not know I even had to work and then through all of work all I could think about was how I needed to get M out of my house) and the ride was so uncomfortable that I do not even contain the vocabulary to convey such a sensation. It was horrific, to put it mildly. We arrive at her house, I drop her off, she hugs me, it’s very awkward, and then she sort of sullenly makes her way into her house. I still feel guilty but I know it’s the right choice, I couldn’t string her on, I couldn’t do it again because the feelings are gone, I know that now.

THE MORAL! FINALLY!

This all started with an impulsive phone call on the same day this girl I was seeing and I parted ways, we weren’t official, but I do actually miss her a good amount but I know that we wouldn’t work together. She is very outgoing and sociable and I am, well, an introvert. But, hey! I’m a high functioning one so fuck off, for whatever that’s worth. Maybe that’s just a way to rationalize myself, make me feel less guilty for enabling my own loneliness. I don’t know. But when I called M I felt a need for her, I felt a void within me that had to be filled and I thought that she could fill it. I was wrong. I realize now that I don’t miss her, that I didn’t miss her, I only miss the memories I made while I was with her and now, looking back at all of my past relationships I’m starting to realize that’s all it has ever been. All of my remorse over ex-lovers and all of my longing for each of them is not actually for them. It’s for the memories that I made while I was with them. Each significant relationship in my life has either procured lifelong memories or simply been a part of them. I long to relive the memories that make me happiest and I’ve had it all wrong, my whole short life thus far I’ve had it all wrong! I don’t miss them, I’ve just been tying those experiences to the people who were important to me most at that time! In all honesty, this revelation feels fantastic. I mean, it’s merely a temporary and minor distraction from the nihilistic and miserable mindset I’ve developed but it’s something, isn’t it? It’s another piece of me I’ve found, I’ve learned about, and I’ve finally put into a missing space. I’ve found another bit of myself. I feel somewhat guilty for getting M’s hopes up like that but I wasn’t intentional in my incursion. I thought, I truly thought, that I wanted to try with her again. I suppose it’s actually better that I did this, it gave me closure, uncovered a piece of myself, and in turn I’ve found just that much more hope in myself. So, the question is, was this self betterment worth the minor suffering of another? For this, I have no answer. Food for thought I suppose.

I sense my writing is more upbeat in this installment and that’s because I’m feeling a bit more upbeat. I also realize now that the moral wasn’t very direct, well, I have no remedy for that. Decipher it, find your own meaning in my words, however selfish they may sound echoed throughout your mind, they carry with them a weight that I cannot put into words. Syntax fails me when my thoughts are involved.

Best of days

-Righ