Hello, friends. It’s been quite awhile, hasn’t it? I do apologize for my lack of posting, I’ll attempt to rectify that. Between school and C I haven’t had much time to actually reflect and therefore have been far too caught up in going-on’s to actually focus on things critically. But due to this morning, that has changed.

C stayed the night, as she normally does since classes have started again, and when we awoke this morning we laid in bed awhile just talking and joking around. My hand was cold and I pressed it against her stomach to tease her and when she pushed it away I jokingly said “oh, you know you love me.” Her reply? “I do love you.” What followed was an exchange of “I love you’s” and some kissing. We then made breakfast and carried on with our day. I wasn’t surprised when she said it and I’m rather certain she wasn’t either. I’ve known for awhile now that she probably did love me and I’m certain she’s known. This is a huge thing, even if we aren’t treating it as such. Since we exchanged those words I’ve been.. Doubting us. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, she’s wonderful and we are a very wonderful couple. But the doubt lingers and clings to every thought and phrase. I’ve wanted this for so long with her and now that I’ve achieved this I feel.. Strange. I did everything I possibly could for her and treated her as if she were a queen and now that I’ve begun reaping the rewards I’ve suddenly become less interested. I have been happy with her and absolutely certain of my love but now I find my conviction to be rather lacking and this is very troubling. I don’t want to hurt her. But do I truly care if I do? Do I truly care who I hurt at all? Do I care, at all, about anyone? I know that it’s right to care and so I try to but do I actually? I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m pathetic. I am so desperate for the caring and love of others and yet I am so reluctant to reciprocate. Am I selfish? Yes. I suppose at least.

I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I’m nice to strangers but it’s never because I care for their happiness, I’ve always been kind because I understand that if I am “rude” that there is the possibility that I will invoke a negative reaction. I’m not afraid of being verbally abused, I just don’t care enough about them to have to deal with their reaction. Am I a sociopath?

I know this entry is not as formal nor as detailed and less coherent than my usual. I am very tired right now and lack the will to write but it will be my only chance for a few days so I figured I should. I will write another as soon as I can and I promise something much, much better than this.

Until then, best of days.

-Elias

(I think I may have explained in a previous post that I like how the name sounds flipped around, “Elias Righ.”)