The Liquid Cure

Time for some back-story!

My father was or rather is an… Evil man. That’s probably the safest and best way to phrase that. Unfortunately, it doesn’t truly live up to his notoriety. You see, he was an alcoholic, a drug addict, a physically abusive husband, and a mentally abusive father. I haven’t spoken to him nor have I seen him since my Sophomore year in high school in 2010.

Four fucking years.

I never had to courage to remove him from my life for he was much too intimidating and whenever he yelled at me I became a stammering wreck who was unable to utter out a single word due to fear. I suffered through his bi-polar and cruel reign for years until eventually, finally, I had enough and removed him from my life which I believe I told the story in an earlier post.

Anyways, on to the actual topic.

My father was an alcoholic which causes me to worry, would I become one?

I quit smoking, that was my crutch when my depression and anxiety overcame me as they do currently. Cigarettes were my vice. I’ve quite and so, I no longer have that vice, that crutch and so I am craving one. Specifically, I am craving wine, whiskey, brandy, scotch, etc. I want alcohol. I feel this desire for it that is just as nearly overwhelming as my own ailments. I’ve never been a heavy drinker, I’ve only been drunk a few times and I haven’t drank in almost a full year. Basically, I drink alcohol about once a year. I try my best to avoid alcohol and people who drink copious amounts of it. I’ve always had a strong disdain for alcohol and people who drink very frequently and I now have a thesis to that. I now believe my avoidance of alcohol is born out of my lethal, unconscious, attraction to it and that my avoidance and disdain for heavy consumers of it is born from my absolute hatred of my alcoholic father who committed atrocities in the name of beer and hard liquor.

It is as I grow older that I begin to discover what may truly be the underlying issues in my life that have led to my disposition currently. I feel as if I am in a crescendo and entering the climax of my situation. My ailments have never been this prominent, relentless, and difficult to deal with. I feel as if I am a puppet on a string.

I don’t want to crave alcohol; I do not want to be my father.

I’d sooner end my life.

Anyways, C is coming over tomorrow and I’m excited.

I hope you all had a wonderful Zombie Jesus Day and that you didn’t have shitty ham for dinner as my family did. Blegh! Every fucking year we eat ham, I am so sick of it!

Best of days

-Righ

Carpe Diem

While I was with E I bought two canvases, they were on sale and I was beginning to show an interest in art and wanted to try my hand at painting as a form of release. Writing was and is my vice, my crutch, but I came to realize at how I completely lacked creativity. I focused on the world too much and put everything into a nihilistic perspective with negative realism. I decided it was time I began to indulge into creativity even though I lacked, and still do, any artistic ability. I thought that it may help me cope with that which writing was beginning to fall short of. That thought itself scared me, that writing was beginning to not be enough, that I was reaching a climax, a crescendo, one that writing could not drag back down to a mezo piano.

The canvases are sitting against my wall in my room, unopened. When E and I broke up I was waiting to get paint from her but, alas, we parted ways before I could. After that happened I contemplated just destroying them, but, decided against it. From that day onward my artistic ambition went back into decline and now it lays there, buried beneath a heavy nihilism. But now, I’m feeling this strange re-invigoration come about by music and my newly developed healthy lifestyle that I just started. I’m not happier so much as I have more energy and strangely enough the energy is more positive than usual. I believe C coming back into my life is playing a significant role along with my closure over M and E. I think I’m going to purchase painting supplies and have myself a time with this canvas. Now, if only I could paint..

I apologize for the shortness and rather blandness of these past few posts; I’ve been exhausted from both physical exercise and today was a very, very long day at work and unfortunately, things in my life have been going… Well.. Decently. I promise you all a good story very soon, perhaps Tuesday night after I finish up this paper or maybe even Monday, we’ll see.

Best of days

-Righ

P.S. This band has, for whatever reason, been inspiring me quite a bit lately:

 

What a Long, Strange, Road That Lies Ahead

Well, I suppose I’ll simply jump into the midst of things rather than waste the entire post on it: C and I are again seeing each other. I talked before about how we just weren’t right for one another and this will definitely only end negatively for me but it’s not something I fear. Nearly every decision I make leads me further down the path of self-destruction. She does things that I don’t necessarily agree with, but it’s not as if she’s doing hard drugs or partying constantly. She makes me happy for the time being, the only thing that’s truly worrying me is that she does not want a relationship. She says that she isn’t ready and I believe her. She was with her last boyfriend for a little over three years, had an apartment with him, and even transferred to another school with him. Her life was built around him and he tore it down. I don’t know where my journey with her will take me, and frankly, I don’t care. I’m happy with how things are, for once I feel as if my life is moving forward. This limbo I’ve been trapped in is slowly giving way and I’m feeling the crawl of time again. I’m starting to actually look towards the future and relish in the present rather than drift through the past as a ghost. But underneath all of this new life and invigoration there dwells the dark creature. Lurking within the recesses of my mind, waiting to once again consume me. I’m on a road to joy, a road to renewal and maybe, just maybe, happiness. But I can feel the darkness there, underneath it all, I can feel its ever so slight presence as it waits patiently.

I exercised today, something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve also started to eat healthy, but I do lack a good amount of the required food so hopefully this Sunday C and I will be able to go out and buy some healthy food. I’ve tried many times to begin living a healthier physical lifestyle because I know that if I can achieve that, I will also achieve a healthier mental lifestyle. And so, I have opened up a new pathway in my life; I have cut away the bramble and underbrush and discovered this new trail to take. It may be rocky and challenging but the reward far outweighs the challenge; what a long, strange, road that lies ahead of me.

I apologize for how brisk and vague this is, I’m exhausted from exercising and so my usual more poetic style of writing is rather lacking from the fatigue. I think now I’m going to have some toast with an egg and watch Dexter and then retire.

Best of Days

-Righ