Crawl,
from the one to
the one.
Attached but
never
in love.
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In my mind, I am free. Through it I am able to ascend the majestic peaks and cross the flowing rivers that I blog about each day. In my mind I have traveled to the farthest reaches of our pale blue dot and I have seen its majesties in full. In fact, I have traveled beyond that. I have waltzed through the Andromeda Galaxy, I have navigated through black holes, watched the birth of stars, witnessed galaxies collide with one another, and have gazed across the expanse of our infinite universe.
We are all searching for meaning and the sad truth is that many of us will never discover it. We will never feel it or understand it. We will spend our lives hoping and waiting, but rarely truly searching. We will instead go to school, we will get married, have children, and then waste away our days as a family until we are too old and decrepit to venture forth and forge our destinies, and instead of fulfillment we will feel emptiness. We will feel desolation. We will die full of regret and longing and then our children will grow and they will be the same.
Disappointment is absolutely abundant in our lives and is, unfortunately, something we must come to accept. We can all sit in our houses and say to ourselves “one day, I’ll go out and do that.” That is simple to do. However, fulfilling that statement is entirely different. We will procrastinate, we will keep waiting for tomorrow or next week, and then tomorrow or next week will come and we will again procrastinate. We fail to understand the fleetingness of our lives and instead focus on fickle and petty things. We sit and squabble over topics and events that are virtually meaningless. We care more about debating which God is in fact the true God or what asinine and selfish thing a celebrity has done than we care about the advancement of the human species. God or no God, we are organic, sentient, beings living on a rock that is revolving around a yellow dwarf at 30 kilometers per second in a galaxy that is 90,000 light years across (or 851,447,556,000,000,000 kilometers) in a universe that is (likely) infinite. We, humans, are all we have. We are one species, out of millions, and yet we divide ourselves socially based around economic standing, color of skin, and sexual orientation. The life that we as a species have established for ourselves is absolutely and undeniably insignificant. The emphasis on all that truly matters is minimal and is deemed, by a large amount of people, as unimportant. Our society, advanced and organized as it may be, is in dire straights. Your monetary standing does not matter. You sexual orientation does not matter. The color of your skin? Does not matter. The reason so many people will die disappointed with their lives is because our society tells them they should be. If you are not well known or liked en masse, then you may as well shouldn’t have existed. We have lost the significance of love, the sanctity of it, and we have replaced it with false necessity. Too many people dream of fame and it is ruining their lives.
We must remember that if life is spent in search for the ultimate meaning of it, that life will have been wasted. There is no ultimate meaning. There is no grand scheme and that, exactly that, is the beauty and wonder that is life. We posses the ability, each of us, to control our destinies. We may allow our lives to carry on, dreaming of a higher purpose, of some grand fate waiting to be grasped. That is a viable option. However, it is a miserable one. For in that path we lose sight of that which we already possess. We fail to realize the love we have before us, the adoration, the companionship, and the happiness that lays within our reach or already in our possession. While I wish to travel the world and to observe the wonders of our pale blue dot I wish to do so with the woman I love and I wish to tell it to my children. I wish to live, to follow my passions and my heart but also to cherish that which I have already accomplished and those that I have already brought into my life as my companions. I understand that I will die one day. I understand that I have no higher purpose or that there is no single fate that I stand to achieve. And so, with that knowledge and understanding, I resolve to not dedicate my life to the pursuit of petty things. Instead, I will follow my passions, within reason, and I will cherish and be thankful for that which I can achieve and I will be content with that which I cannot. For instance, I shall never traverse a black hole, but I am fully capable of expanding my, and the rest of humankind’s, understanding of them. I have dedicated my life to the acquisition of knowledge and the hopeful advancement of human understanding about the universe in which we live. I have chosen my destiny. I have chosen the path I wish to take and while I still feel this burning hunger for more, I know how to sate it and I know that I am determined to venture the world before I die.
I am in love with the universe. I am in love with how we came to be, how we exist, and how we will ultimately end. The universe is full of intrigue and mystery. It is so fantastical and full of wonders that it baffles me how anyone could think otherwise. From quasars to quarks, the natural world is astounding and yet so many of us ignore it or pay it little respect.
We spend our lives with the promise of paradise once it ends and this is a very sad thing for we are already in paradise. We are fantastical beings living in a fantastical world. We are a wonder of nature and however insignificant we may feel in comparison to the magnitude of the universe, just remember that you are alive and because of that very fact, you are the most important thing in existence.
Best of days,
-Elias
“That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar,’ every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there- on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.” -Carl Sagan
This quote, above all else, is what drives me to keep going. It inspires me to seek the stars and what lies beyond. I am hungry, I am young, and I am foolish. I will make my life count for something and I will spend my life working to uncover the secrets of the majesty and wonder of our Universe.
Happy belated birthday to you, Carl Sagan.
Best of days
-Elias
So, looking through my documents I stumbled across a paper I wrote last semester for my English 102 class. We had to write an argumentative paper in which we offer two solutions for a current societal issue. Along with our solutions we had to pose a third, less effective, solution and, I believe, two counter-arguments and then an argument to counter them. As serious of a writer as I am, I take great enjoyment out of being overly sarcastic.
Anyways, my point is, I’m going to post my paper up just for a break from the monotony of depressive content and hopefully offer a good chuckle to some of you.
Now, remember while reading this that I received an A on this paper:
Here Be Velociraptors
A major problem we face globally is the rapid and ever-growing threat of the Velociraptor. For years, the Velociraptor population has been kept at a level that can be safely maintained with minimal causalities, maiming, and infrastructural harm in today’s society. Unfortunately, the population is on the rise on a global scale and is slowly, but surely, becoming a problem of epidemic proportions. With this increase in population, civilian and non-civilian casualties have risen greatly in the past couple of years as well as the endangerment of various species primarily in areas such as the Gobi desert. With this threat to wildlife and human life on the rise, action must be taken to reduce the population or else we face an overabundance of this deadly predator.
This problem is not easily solved for what we are dealing with is a volatile and ever growing species of animal. The task lies not only in how to contain an entire species but how to contain such a dangerous species. Now, as the Velociraptor has no natural predator, there isn’t any way to dwindle the numbers through the increase of the abundance of another animal, unfortunately we must take matters into our own hands, literally. I personally believe the best, and only, resolution we have for such a problem as this is to initiate a Velociraptor Awareness Day. This would consist of simply raising awareness of these vicious predators so that the population has a better understanding of how to deal with a Velociraptor should they ever be faced with one. It would also help in the implementation of regular Velociraptor Safety/Hunting Courses as it would introduce people to the idea and would be a great way to kick-start such a program. Once we raise awareness, we can begin to deal with the problem. The courses would be administered either federally or through private business. Since this is a global problem, a private business (such as a Velociraptor Containment Agency) would be the most effective option as it would be able to more efficiently reach out to other parts of the world without the hindrance of political arrangements and so forth. Through these courses we could begin to instruct the populace on how to safely contain and hunt the Velociraptors as well as to defend themselves and loved ones. The funding for such a program would be done either through charity or federal grants but more likely charity as it would promote involvement on a more local scale as well as a global one. Town fundraisers such as public barbeques, live events, car shows, and other charitable happenings would not only supply a sufficient monetary funding but also knit together communities and create a more united stance on this detriment to human, and all of mammalian, existence. Another foreseeable resolution to this problem would be to petition the UN the take matters into their own hands. Having a global military force with global influence and cooperation would allow the government to contain the threat which may cause an increase in taxation in some countries but the notion that the government is protecting their civilians would probably create more of a sense of ease than utilizing a civilian fighting force. Rather than placing them in the line of these Cretaceous creatures, trained military soldiers would be dealing with them which would also probably more efficient anyhow.
Now these solutions seem rather violent but in dealing with such a dangerous and vicious threat to human existence there isn’t really any other way to go about it effectively but I’m rather certain there will be naysayers as there are with any and all solutions for problems that involve the existence of living creatures. Environmentalists and animal rights activists will more than likely make a fuss over the methods. One possible refutation to these solutions would be that although they are dangerous, Velociraptors are other living creatures and highly intellectual, and since they are living creatures, they reserve the same amount of respect and dignity of any human being and that to simply hunt them and kill them for mere sport is inhumane and barbaric. But, despite how barbaric and crude these methods may be, they are the most efficient and only plausible solutions that have the highest chance of success. Without these methods, the population will grow unhindered and it will grow rapidly until they begin ravaging the habitations they thrive in as well as the populations of other species that they come into contact with, including humans. If the population swells too greatly they would begin to migrate outward in search of more food, more breeding grounds, etc. Overcrowding would occur in their natural habitats and so it would force the population outward which in turn would increase the contact between these vicious predators and human kind resulting in higher mortality rates and a higher threat to society. Species such as the Takhi, Asiatic Ibex, Bactarian Camel, Musk Oxen, and others found in the Gobi desert are already under threat of becoming endangered due to the Gobi being the area where these predators thrive the best and therefore it is where they grow the quickest. If action is not taken many other species will suffer, humans included. Another foreseeable counter argument is that rather than hunting them down, why not create reservations for these predators in places nearly uninhabited by human beings. There is a significant problem with that, we’ve all seen Jurassic Park, and we all know how well the physical containment of these predators actually works. One tiny mistake is all that is needed to have an international catastrophe on our hands.
Although there is no natural predator of the Velociraptor there is another solution that, although not plausible in the slightest, could be implemented and tested. By increasing the population of the Protoceratops we may be able to thin the numbers of the Velociraptor and keep them at bay for a short while. But this would create another problem as it would jumpstart the Protoceratops population and although they are herbivores, they are highly territorial and may also be detrimental to other wildlife in the area other than the Velociraptor. This solution would only be temporary if implemented and would only lead to further frustration, endangerment, and would also cost us more money to rid ourselves of. The two solutions posed are truly the safest and most effective method of Velociraptor population control. Remember, should you ever encounter a Velociraptor, whether it be in your home, around your home, or in the wild, DO NOT ENGAGE DIRECTLY. They are very lethal, very intelligent, and very fast. Immediately call your local Velociraptor Containment Agency and alert them to the threat and to stay clear of it as far as you possibly can; be safe and be cautious.
Also, hilariously enough, when we did the peer edits for these papers, the lady that peer edited mine did not know what a Velociraptor was and suggest that I explain what it is.
I mean.. What?… How?..
Best of days
-Elias
(I realized that I actually prefer “Elias” over “Righ”).
Recently, I saw a little phrase on the internet, it read: “Home is where you find peace.”
If this is true, then I do not have a home. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a home and maybe, I never will. I am, for the most part, happy with C. But to be at peace with yourself requires so much more than a good relationship and someone to love. You need to love yourself, you need to believe in yourself, and above all, you must not fear what lies ahead of you. You must not fear life, because if you do, you will always remain in the shadows. I know how large life can be, how much can be accomplished in the short time we exist, the memories we can make, the people we touch, the lives we change, and the futures we alter. But I cannot overcome the frailty and mortality of it all. Eventually, we will all be forgotten. After two or three generations, we will cease to exist. If you’re lucky enough to be written into the history books, then fine. But how rare is that? The scope of it, billions of people, as if they’ve never existed. Their memories, their lives, forgotten.
I do not fear death, I fear never living. I fear fading away, into some corner of the past, as just another face, another name, another corpse.
The burden of humanity, I suppose, is having the knowledge that one day, at any particular moment in time, you will cease to exist.
Best of days,
Righ Elias
“There is accumulation. There is responsibility. And beyond these, there is unrest. There is great unrest.”- The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes
Tonight I feel the regression upon me, and honestly.. I miss it. The sweet, heavy, melancholy in harmony with the dark and brooding nihilism makes for an inspirational and yet sorrowful melody. All at once the memories, more specifically the feelings, have come rushing back to me of these past two semesters. The burden that I have been so ignorant of this summer. This regression is beginning to show me how truly foreign and strange this weightlessness has been, this, joy. I miss feeling this way. Retracted, safe, and alone. I feel more at peace with myself when I am myself. I’ve worn the guise for so long and now that I am letting the cracks show through again I feel relieved. Do not misunderstand, I am happy, well.. As happy as I can be, which, I suppose is not exactly happiness. I am.. Content. With C, mostly, though and not even that is as wonderful as I’ve been trying to believe. We’ve begun fighting more, but I suppose that’s sort of a good thing. It shows we aren’t a perfect couple, and our arguments have not necessarily been arguments. We don’t yell, or call names, or any of that childish behavior. We discuss our issues and we resolve them. She does not love me, I know that much. That alone makes me feel as if this is all for naught. Will she ever? Am I truly falling for her? Or am I simply afraid of losing someone else? Do I even truly care about her? Do I truly care about anyone? Or is the reason it is so difficult for me to be empathetic and sentimental with others who are close with me a sign of minor sociopathic tendencies? I do not know. But I must find out. I enjoy remaining a mystery to others but I am completely unhappy in remaining a mystery to myself.
I also miss this blog, excruciatingly so. I have not conversed with many of you, but those of you who have offered there support and intrigue into my personal life, I delight in you. I miss spilling my darkest secrets; writing out my thoughts to classical music. I miss sitting alone outside at two in the morning chain-smoking and writing an entire post out in my head then recreating it digitally for this blog. I hope to return to it and to begin posting daily, although, that may not occur until the semester starts again. The added stress of school tends to destroy my emotional barriers.
Despite having C, I am lonely. I’m so, so lonely. No matter who I am surrounded by or how many people I am surrounded by I feel completely and utterly alone. In a way, I prefer this, but I also despise it. Sometimes, I feel as if I am wasting my words. Who truly cares about my insight? Who truly cares about my plights? Who gives a shit anymore about philosophy? Or intelligence? Our society is too consumed with pop-media, pop-politics, and pop-music. We waste all of our time on things that serve no purpose other than materialistic ones. I despise my generation and those following.
I have to end this here, unfortunately. C is on her way over promptly.
So, I will end with this: Why must nearly everyone in the world be such a dribbling fool?
Best of days,
Righ.
(It felt so fucking good to write that again.)
“She was perfect, pure maddening sex, and she knew it, and she played on it, dripped it, and allowed you to suffer for it.”
Last night and today were fantastic. I feel another period of mania approaching me and I’m embracing it wholeheartedly with open arms.
C overcame her fears last night, and we made love. It was brilliant, absolutely so. It was passionate and gentle and fierce and tender and just brilliant.
When we first started dating, she had confessed that she was a virgin, despite being nearly 21, and that although she had tried and wanted to, she was too overcome with anxiety towards sex because of how badly it had hurt when she had tried previous times. Upon this confession she also added that she would probably never engage in intercourse and that she was alright with that. She did however express that she was still willing to try and that she’d like to overcome it with time. I’ve respected her wishes and we’ve done everything by her own dictation and her own flow. Last night, she went for it completely. The clothes were off and she just.. Did it. I could tell she was in pain at first but she kept going and I tried my best to soothe her with calming words and eventually the rigidness and the looks of discomfort faded until there was enjoyment.
We had intercourse when we woke up this morning as well.
She also told me that she believes she’ll never be able to love me or enter into an actual relationship with me. I don’t believe her. I can see it in her eyes, in her smile, her moans, her laugh, the way she talks and acts around me, I can tell she’s slowly bringing down the barrier and that she’s slowly beginning to open to me. I will be patient and I will be gentle and I will be kind. I’ve learned from my past, I’ve learned how my monsters torment those I care for. I will not allow them to torment her.
I feel, joyous, despite being exceptionally behind on two papers that are both due in roughly a week’s time but, hey, I think for the first time in awhile.. I’ll be alright.
Best of days
-Righ
P.S. I’ve started the writing of a short story involving this pseudonym as the main character, so, technically myself. Lets see if I can actually finish this one, eh?
Still I Wander 