It’s Been Awhile, Hasn’t It?

Hello my good, fine, fellows! Quite a number of days have passed since I have last posted and for that I direct my sincerest of apologies. This semester is nearly over with about three weeks left and I have been working my ass off academically, working my ass of at the gym, and spending my ass off with C. I haven’t written in so long also because there hasn’t been much to report, which in itself I suppose is something worth talking about. You see, things have actually been going very well for me lately. I’m getting in shape quite nicely, I’m happy with C and things are going good, and school wise I’m behind on a few things but I’m trying my best to catch up. All in all, things are actually looking up for me. My depression has been at bay for some time now and my panic attacks are further apart and fewer in numbers and less in severity.

Unfortunately, due to things going well, things are extraordinarily boring.

I feel restless and too occupied. I’m exhausted from all of this “positivity” because I have a very cynical and nihilistic temperament and so this strange and lucid happiness is exactly that. It’s surreal and not necessarily in a good way, it feels fabricated almost. But it’s here now and I guess that’s good, right? I feel.. Not myself right now. I don’t recognize this person that wears my skin and has adopted my mind. I feel as if I’m letting myself go intellectually and indulging too much into fleeting things. Before, I had always devoted most of my time to observation and to my intellect but now I’m devoting time to simple things, which are good to indulge in but all I’ve ever had was my own mind for most of my life thus far, and I feel as if my mind is.. Slipping from me. It’s an uncomfortable sensation and I know I should relish in this newly found happiness but I can’t help but be weary and to tread lightly. Now, simply because I’m happier does not mean I have shed my burdens nor have I blossomed into some extroverted optimist (yuck) I assure you all that much. My morbid, cynical, and nihilistic approach to life still dwells in me as it is who I am, but they roam freely without the dark and pressing weight of my depression and my anxiety that constantly accompanied them and commanded them. I feel lifted from those burdens somewhat even though I can feel them lurking just under the surface.

I’ve decided I am going to quit therapy. I can’t stand it anymore. I talk to him about my issues and about my life and he picks up on things I says and once I finish speaking he goes off on a speech about some peculiar piece of information I gave him, which I would normally understand as he is a therapist but the pieces of information that he chooses are absolutely silly. He dwells upon things that I say that have little to no importance to me and he acts as if they are legitimate issues. He never quite gets the point of what I am telling him about myself, he just can’t seem to hit the nail on the head so to speak. It irritates me immensely. He’s helped me identify exactly what it is that I struggle with and he’s recommended a books on the matters but I believe that’s as far as therapy will take me. The only being that can truly help me work through my burdens and overcome what I struggle with is myself. Also, to be honest, I don’t like nor trust therapists/counselors/psychiatrists because I feel that too many of them are only in it for the money. Especially the guy I’m seeing, he’s a greedy little bastard. But, I digress.

I’m currently waiting for C to come over and I decided I’d post on here to pass the time. The weather has finally moved past it’s 20-30 range with snowfall and in fact today it was about 80! Hurrah! It’s currently on the verge of a thunderstorm right now and that’s significantly adding to my mood for I love the rain. I can’t stand clear, sunny, days as I feel they are intrusive and obnoxious. I love grey, windy, and rainy days for I feel that they are comforting and refreshing and melancholic. I relish melancholy, I adore it, and I bask in it. It may sound rather morbid but I’d rather be cynical, nihilistic, and melancholic than happy and optimistic. I’ll leave the optimism to the optimists and the extroversion to the extroverts.

There was more I had to say but I can’t remember and C is here, can’t have her discovering this little blog now can we? In fact, no one that is part of my life knows about it or else the anonymity of it would be pointless.

Best of days

-Righ

 

What a Long, Strange, Road That Lies Ahead

Well, I suppose I’ll simply jump into the midst of things rather than waste the entire post on it: C and I are again seeing each other. I talked before about how we just weren’t right for one another and this will definitely only end negatively for me but it’s not something I fear. Nearly every decision I make leads me further down the path of self-destruction. She does things that I don’t necessarily agree with, but it’s not as if she’s doing hard drugs or partying constantly. She makes me happy for the time being, the only thing that’s truly worrying me is that she does not want a relationship. She says that she isn’t ready and I believe her. She was with her last boyfriend for a little over three years, had an apartment with him, and even transferred to another school with him. Her life was built around him and he tore it down. I don’t know where my journey with her will take me, and frankly, I don’t care. I’m happy with how things are, for once I feel as if my life is moving forward. This limbo I’ve been trapped in is slowly giving way and I’m feeling the crawl of time again. I’m starting to actually look towards the future and relish in the present rather than drift through the past as a ghost. But underneath all of this new life and invigoration there dwells the dark creature. Lurking within the recesses of my mind, waiting to once again consume me. I’m on a road to joy, a road to renewal and maybe, just maybe, happiness. But I can feel the darkness there, underneath it all, I can feel its ever so slight presence as it waits patiently.

I exercised today, something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve also started to eat healthy, but I do lack a good amount of the required food so hopefully this Sunday C and I will be able to go out and buy some healthy food. I’ve tried many times to begin living a healthier physical lifestyle because I know that if I can achieve that, I will also achieve a healthier mental lifestyle. And so, I have opened up a new pathway in my life; I have cut away the bramble and underbrush and discovered this new trail to take. It may be rocky and challenging but the reward far outweighs the challenge; what a long, strange, road that lies ahead of me.

I apologize for how brisk and vague this is, I’m exhausted from exercising and so my usual more poetic style of writing is rather lacking from the fatigue. I think now I’m going to have some toast with an egg and watch Dexter and then retire.

Best of Days

-Righ